dear josh

GT (UK) - - LIFE -

My boyfriend and I have been to­gether for nearly eight months, and he has re­cently started to ask ques­tions about my sex­ual his­tory. I don’t re­ally see how the num­ber of sex­ual part­ners in my past is rel­e­vant to the re­la­tion­ship we’re cur­rently in. I was ex­tremely ac­tive when I was younger, so I worry that the tally is go­ing to wind up both­er­ing him. Should I be hon­est, or should I shave a digit off my bed­post notch count? I’m not sure how much longer I can dodge the in­quiries. From LB

Most im­por­tant is un­der­stand­ing why your boyfriend is in­ter­ested in know­ing about your past sex­ual en­coun­ters. So, ask him point-blank. If he sim­ply wants to have a bet­ter idea of the ex­pe­ri­ences that made you the stud you are to­day, an­swer his ques­tions in a ca­sual, mat­ter-of-fact man­ner. If, how­ever, you feel that he’s bul­ly­ing you into pro­vid­ing pri­vate in­for­ma­tion for the pur­pose of judg­ment, you will need to have a larger con­ver­sa­tion about trust and re­spect. Stand your ground and tell him only as much as makes you com­fort­able. It’s OK for the past to be yours alone.

When and if you de­cide to have a can­did con­ver­sa­tion – and in most sit­u­a­tions, hon­esty is the best pol­icy – to talk. You want to make sure that you’re chat is not rushed and that you both have the op­por­tu­nity to share in equal mea­sure.

My husband is a big talker, which I knew when I mar­ried him ten years ago. That said, I didn’t learn un­til re­cently quite how much he blabs. At a din­ner with mu­tual friends, they be­gan to make com­ments and jokes about our sex life. Ap­par­ently, my mis­ter has been very forth­com­ing about our bed­room ac­tiv­i­ties – right down to the size and shape of my pe­nis. It makes me un­com­fort­able that long­time pals know so much in­ti­mate in­for­ma­tion about what I con­sider to be a sa­cred thing be­tween my part­ner and me. How should I han­dle this? From AW

It sounds as though the cat is al­ready out of the bag, so to speak, and I com­pletely un­der­stand your dis­com­fort. We’re ex­tremely vul­ner­a­ble when we al­low our­selves to be­have sex­u­ally with an­other hu­man be­ing, and you should feel se­cure in shar­ing that part of your­self with the man you love. Know­ing that your husband is re­veal­ing such per­sonal in­for­ma­tion to oth­ers in your cir­cle of friends could very well in­hibit you in the bed­room, mak­ing you un­easy about act­ing on your de­sires. It ’s im­per­a­tive that you dis­cuss this con­cern with your part­ner im­me­di­ately.

Let him know that you con­sider his loose talk to be a breach of trust and that, in or­der for you to feel safe and open, the de­tails of your sex life need to re­main be­tween the two of you. My guess is that he has no idea that you’re troubled and that he’ll tighten his lips – out­side of the boudoir, at least – once you bring the mat­ter to his at­ten­tion.

I’m 22 and have been see­ing a guy who’s 30 for a cou­ple of months. I was a vir­gin when we met, and I’ve still yet to have anal sex with him. He’s a top and has ex­pressed in­ter­est in tak­ing our sex­ual re­la­tion­ship to the next level. So far, we’ve ex­per­i­mented only with mak­ing out, hand­jobs and blowjobs, but I know the big day is com­ing. What can I do to phys­i­cally pre­pare my­self for it? I want my pen­e­tra­tive in­ter­course to be plea­sur­able for both of us. From BB

Be­fore you rush into any par­tic­u­lar sex­ual ac­tiv­ity, make cer­tain that you’re emo­tion­ally pre­pared. It ’s never a good idea to move ahead with in­ter­course be­cause you think it’s sup­posed to hap­pen at a cer­tain point. Al­ways re­mem­ber that the only time­line that ’s im­por­tant is your own.

Once you’ve de­cided that you’d like to share that level of in­ti­macy with an­other man, I sug­gest that you pur­chase a rea­son­ably-sized butt plug or dildo.

Don’t try to test your – no­body is stand­ing by to give you a tro­phy or a medal!

Ex­per­i­ment in a warm bath with plenty of lu­bri­cant, tak­ing note of which an­gles and speeds are most sat­is­fy­ing to you.

Learn­ing how your body re­sponds to var­i­ous stim­uli will help you to guide your lover and give your ca­reer up, as it were.

Au­thor of best-sell­ing mem­oir Porn Again, avail­able from joshsabarra.com

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