Huddersfield Daily Examiner - - FRONT PAGE -

WENT to the pet shop the other day and said: “I’d like to buy a gold­fish.”

The as­sis­tant said: “Would you like an aquar­ium?”

And I said: “I don’t re­ally care what star sign it is.” Go on, smile. It’s Mon­day. I phoned the lo­cal gym and asked if some­one could teach me how to do the splits.

“How flex­i­ble are you?” the re­cep­tion­ist asked “Well, I can’t do Tues­days or Thurs­days.”

My chum told me he had a job in a bowl­ing al­ley. “Ten pin?” I said. “No, per­ma­nent.”

I bought some Ar­maged­don cheese to­day. On the packet it said: “Best Be­fore End.” Then I went to the ice cream par­lour. “Can I have an ice cream, please?” I asked the as­sis­tant. “Hun­dreds and thou­sands?” she said. “I’ll just start off with the one,” I said. “Knicker­bocker glory?” she said. “Not re­ally. It’s just how these trousers hang.”

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