Global recession? I’ll drink to that
Idon’t know about you but I’m confused about all this talk of banks, Iceland (the country not the frozen food store), zillions of pounds in handouts to the filthy rich and apparently needy and, to be honest, everything else to do with the financial cataclysm which faces the governments of the world. I don’t pretend to understand anything about high finance, stocks, shares, core capital ratios and how in the first place all these massive banks, led by the cream of the world’s high rollers, ended up in such a mess. Until this week I thought my liquid assets were the contents of the wine rack which, due to my own world recession, sadly consists of a bottle of Sainsbury’s Pinot Grigio, a cheeky little Cote du Rhone I picked up from ASDA the other day and a dust-covered bottle of something purporting to be champagne which, quite frankly, will be remaining in the bottle, asset or not. I wonder what my chances are of claiming a hundred quid or so from the government to invest in some of France’s finest? After all, who would notice such a tiny amount from all those hundreds of billions being thrown around like confetti over the last week or so? Although, I reckon I’ll have to get in quick, especially as all of those unemployed chief execs will be queueing around the block for multi-million pound payouts for standing down as part of the Government’s takeover. Not bad eh? Get a job at the helm of a massive company which ends up a financial disaster area and earn a fortune doing it. Where’s the job application? The next question which springs to mind is how is it all going to work? I’m concerned because as effectively my bank’s new manager and assistant manager, I want to know if Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling have the qualifications to deal with my rather complicated overdraft facility. But when you think about it, if those high-flying gazzillionaire whizkids can’t keep tabs on it, Mr Brown’s history degree and Mr Darling’s experience as chairman of Lothian Regional Council’s transport committee could be the answer to all the troubles. And if not, I can say with hand on heart I’ve never ended up with a £50 billion shortfall on my debit account, so my CV’s in and I’m waiting for the call.