Global re­ces­sion? I’ll drink to that

Kentish Express Ashford & District - - Opinion - by Jeff Fuidge

Idon’t know about you but I’m con­fused about all this talk of banks, Ice­land (the coun­try not the frozen food store), zil­lions of pounds in hand­outs to the filthy rich and ap­par­ently needy and, to be hon­est, ev­ery­thing else to do with the fi­nan­cial cat­a­clysm which faces the gov­ern­ments of the world. I don’t pre­tend to un­der­stand any­thing about high fi­nance, stocks, shares, core cap­i­tal ra­tios and how in the first place all th­ese mas­sive banks, led by the cream of the world’s high rollers, ended up in such a mess. Un­til this week I thought my liq­uid as­sets were the con­tents of the wine rack which, due to my own world re­ces­sion, sadly con­sists of a bot­tle of Sains­bury’s Pinot Gri­gio, a cheeky lit­tle Cote du Rhone I picked up from ASDA the other day and a dust-cov­ered bot­tle of some­thing pur­port­ing to be cham­pagne which, quite frankly, will be re­main­ing in the bot­tle, as­set or not. I won­der what my chances are of claim­ing a hun­dred quid or so from the gov­ern­ment to in­vest in some of France’s finest? Af­ter all, who would no­tice such a tiny amount from all those hun­dreds of bil­lions be­ing thrown around like con­fetti over the last week or so? Al­though, I reckon I’ll have to get in quick, es­pe­cially as all of those un­em­ployed chief ex­ecs will be queue­ing around the block for multi-mil­lion pound pay­outs for stand­ing down as part of the Gov­ern­ment’s takeover. Not bad eh? Get a job at the helm of a mas­sive com­pany which ends up a fi­nan­cial dis­as­ter area and earn a for­tune do­ing it. Where’s the job ap­pli­ca­tion? The next ques­tion which springs to mind is how is it all go­ing to work? I’m con­cerned be­cause as ef­fec­tively my bank’s new man­ager and as­sis­tant man­ager, I want to know if Gor­don Brown and Alis­tair Dar­ling have the qual­i­fi­ca­tions to deal with my rather com­pli­cated over­draft fa­cil­ity. But when you think about it, if those high-fly­ing gazz­il­lion­aire whizkids can’t keep tabs on it, Mr Brown’s his­tory de­gree and Mr Dar­ling’s ex­pe­ri­ence as chair­man of Loth­ian Re­gional Coun­cil’s trans­port com­mit­tee could be the an­swer to all the trou­bles. And if not, I can say with hand on heart I’ve never ended up with a £50 bil­lion short­fall on my debit ac­count, so my CV’s in and I’m wait­ing for the call.

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