Smug about my rock-solid mobile
THEY laugh at my mobile phone. They regard it as something out of a Dom Joly sketch, a huge, clunking relic of the mobile Stone Age, on which you can do nothing but call and text. WAP? What’s that? MP3? Well, I have a Black Eyed Peas ringtone, anyway. Just a beepy, squeaky, one, not the real track, obviously. Where Is The Love? Nowhere, not for my much-knocked Nokia. Yet, at the moment, I’m feeling as smug as the banknotes-under-the-bed brigade, as supposedly superior technology, like the financial system, melts down quicker than a polar icecap. It started with my friend the arty woman, who finally decided to embrace broadband, and thoughtlessly signed up with BT. More than a week after ‘connection’, innumerable phone calls, at least three technicians and, by the sound of it, a complete rebuild of the telephone exchange, she’s back online, and to celebrate I emailed her a photo of Alexander Armstrong to swoon over (I know, but she thinks he’s gorgeous). Meanwhile, however, her own mobile phone, several generations ahead of mine, went on the blink, and she bought a new, snappy, slidey one, with all the WAPs and MPs you could imagine, only to get stuck on predictive text which insisted on turning plumber into slumber, and hopelessly failing to download a picture of her nephew which, her sister assured her, would have been adorable if only she could have seen it. Then our Alex and I tried to get to Wembley for the American football, and the ticket machine at the Elephant and Castle tube ran out after printing us only one, and it took two people 15 minutes to issue another, and then there were signalling faults on both the Bakerloo and Metropolitan lines ... Come to think of it, maybe it is my mobile phone, emitting dangerous, obsolete radiation, interfering with the modern world, the communications equivalent of a coal-fired power station, even a likely target for a Greenpeace protest camp. They’d better not send the Rainbow Warrior up my way, however. The way things are going around me at the moment, it would probably sink.