How to survive the great autumn retox
THE End is nigh! Of summer, I mean — though if Donald Trump gets his abnormally small finger near the nuclear button, I wouldn’t bet on us reaching 2017. Still, before Armageddon jumps to the top of our worry list, Londoners face a more prosaic concern: the impending Autumn Adjustment.
If you’ve been away this summer you probably switched on your out-ofoffice before you went, smug-ometer rating at maximum. Maybe — having watched the first two minutes of a TED talk on mindfulness — you opted for a full digital detox, deleting Instagram and Twitter from your phone as you boarded the plane.
While on the beach you delighted in not knowing what was happening in the world — Orlando Bloom could have been papped nude paddle-boarding and you wouldn’t have had a clue.
But now, on top of your post-holiday comedown, you feel adrift. At work it’s 404: “brain not found”. Having turned temporary hermit, your email inbox is now bursting and you have 45 Twitter mentions that you fear are just people saying you’re brain-dead/Blairite scum/a waste of skin.
Meanwhile, Facebookok feels like a horror show, with th photos of you sunburntnt and sangria-ed popping up faster than you can untag.
Worst of all, reality and you aren’t bedfellows. You feel like an orca who has been kept in captivityy too long and now can’tn’t fit in with the pod. Don’t on’t panic, though. Here’ss how you can — in the wordsds of the great Soul II Soul — get “back to life, back to reality”... The first day back in the office is a Regina George-level bitch. If you’re not horrendously jet-lagged, try to get a decent night’s sleep, eat a proper breakfast and then head to work half-an-hour early. After all, if you’re usually workplace deadwood on a Monday morning, you’re going to be full laggard after a holiday.
The extra time also means you can clean up your desk, while cursing the intern who’s left dirty cutlery and a disturbing number of hairs as mementos to mark their week in your seat. And if you can’t remember your password, you’ll have time to call IT before your boss gets in. This is deeply hypocritical of me because I still have emails unanswered from my week off at the start of August. But, you know, do as I say, not as I do. So be brutal.
Delete everything you can without opening it. Accept you’ll never have time to read that email chain about a third-tier friend’s son’s christening. When you’re down to the bare minimum — instructions from your boss, essentially — reply to those.
And a tip for next time: make your OOO: “I am away until X without access to email. If it is important, please contact me again on my return.” Then you can simply chuck everything in the recycling bin. If you’ve gone Twitter cold turkey, ease yourself back into social media. Twitter’s raison d’être is speed, so don’t bother responding to that bloke who didn’t understand your now 10day-old joke — ignore and move on.
Stay off Instagram. Some jammy sod will have booked their holiday for September and you’ll be looking at idealised images from Ithaca while sobbing over your keyboard.
The exception here is Facebook, where you’ll want to ensure that the hottie you’ve been on two dates with isn’t put off a third by heinous vac snaps. Holiday photos are like tequila: supposed to evoke happy memories but actually more likely to make you vom. Returning from a holiday is like hitting Refresh: office sloths can rebrand as office workhorses. But if you’re struggling to feel motivated, take time to think.
“Perhaps your mind is judging and comparing your circumstances [now and on holiday], and fantasising, wishing your life was anything but this,” says Dr MiMichael Sinclair, authauthor of Working wiwith Mindfulness: KKeeping Calm and Focused to Get the Job Done. “Recognise this for what it is — a natural problemsosolving approach, perperhaps to feelings of sadsadness or boredomboredom. Noticing these thoughts for what they are will likely help, as thinking them on autopilot will only upset you more and also hinder productivity.”
Sinclair suggests reminding yourself of your goals: “Perhaps you’re striving to achieve that bonus or promotion, or maybe working hard to save up for that special something. If it is difficult to find meaning again, then maybe it’s time for look for a new job.” The world you return to may feel a little discombobulating, as though the plates on the Earth’s suface have shifted imperceptibly. Why is everyone talking about Jeremy Corbyn’s train trip? Hang on: did your colleague finally have a drunken snog with that IT bloke she swears is “just a mate”?
You need a few catch-up convos. Radio 4 is your friend if you need a worldly update. For office gossip, have a coffee with the office big mouth. Don’t allow the office to crush your joie de vivre. If you want to reminisce, pass round the Turkish Delight you brought back: your colleagues are duty bound to ask about your hols. And it’s OK still to be mentally checked out on your first day back — keep banging on about “the holiday backlog” if your boss starts hovering with new projects.
Make plans for your first evening back to escape the drudge and so you’re up to date with your BFF. And if all else fails, book another holiday.