STOP SPEWING GARBAGE ON THE INTERNET
might be f*cking us over royally here in newspapers, but you just can’t ignore it. I speak of the internet.
The on-tap porn drip. The destroyer of relationships. The matchmaker of fat exes. And the platform for drooling knuckledraggers who call themselves football fans.
With a stunning lack of selfawareness, these people sit themselves in front of keyboards and proceed to deliver a stream of SHIT during TV matches that would rival your local sewage farm after an epidemic of diarrhoea.
Bill Shankly once said: “Football is a simple game complicated by idiots.”
Now football is a simple game watched by idiots.
For these people it’s easy to be an expert. All you need to do is sit up all night playing Football Manager for weeks on end and – ta-da – you know more than REAL managers who have devoted their life to the sport. Men who have kicked a ball for a living and seen the inside of a stadium.
Kenny Dalglish, one of the best players to grace the Anfield turf, winner of four league titles as a manager, loses two games in a row with work-in-progress Liverpool. Shit happens.
Spurs are a good side, Stoke are no mugs – no-one rolls over in the Premier League. You know that, I know that. But internet dribbler?
It’s beyond him. He wants the axe swung. Long-term? What’s that? It’s my 90 minutes and I want success now. So him and his daylight-avoiding mates take to Twitter and abuse Dalglish direct (he’s down with the kids, he’s got an account on there).
In between throwing rocks at the moon and auditioning for X-Factor, they tell him he’s “shit”, “clueless” and “he should be sacked”.
Other – normal – people slam the slack jaws. Then they become the target for desk-dwelling hardmen who can’t make a fist due to the early onset of RSI.
Here’s a genuine, unedited, tweet, to prove the point: “I for 1 sent vile abuse to kunt kenny. He’s not good enough, never was. All true lfc fans need to abuse him so he leaves.”
If Dalglish wins a couple of games, these same people won’t think twice about returning to the internet to call him the greatest thing since sliced bread. That’s if they eat bread. They could well be full up after drinking their own bath water.
creatures emerged to mock Fernando Torres. OK, the Spaniard managed a miss at Old Trafford that has knocked Ronnie Rosenthal off the top of the blooper chart.
But these people – earlier praising Torres for his goal IN THE SAME GAME – were now slamming him like he’d committed a war crime.
It’s not like he missed on purpose, is it? And for all that has been written about the £50m Chelsea striker, he DOES know where the net is. You don’t turn up in England and score 33 goals in your first season if you’re “shite”.
And the hunchbacked crispy pancake addicts who tear apart Torres while taking in another tank of Tizer, they’d have scored it, right?
For many of them, kicking a ball is about as likely as them getting a glimpse of their knobs.
But Torres will score goals and Kenny Dalglish will remain boss of Liverpool.
Because, thankfully, there’s enough people in football who live in the real world.
FEELING THE STRAIN: Wenger
FLOORED: Torres after THAT miss