War is the answer!
RIGHT. What have we got? The economy’s absolutely buggered and we’re heading to the poor house at best, a scene from MadMax at worst.
Youth unemployment (ages 16-24) is running at about 20%. Young people are venting their frustration in violence and nicking plimsolls from JD Sports.
Nobody in the West is making anything because the Chinese have bought all the raw materials, the banks won’t lend any money on account of spending it all on bonuses for each other — and young people are too busy robbing training shoes or checking their Facebooks to become apprentices and learn a proper trade.
There are simmering resentments across Europe with old rivalries and hatreds barely contained by a bloated EU that looks more doomed to failure than ever before.
As for the euro, well, you may as well buy and sell things using buckets of steam or your Great Aunt Nellie’s used bunion plasters.
The politics of extremism are on the rise; whether it be among people who wear towels upon their heads, or those who shave the hair off their heads.
And on top of this, our little blue planet is hopelessly overpopulated by a factor of about, say, ten.
I’m sure thousands of committees and working groups are pondering each of these problems.
The United Nations are more than likely hard at it – in between deciding whether to give statehood to anyone who throws stones at the Israelis.
But there is a solution. And it comes in one word: War. Not the dismal little skirmishes we’ve seen in Iraq, Afghanistan or Libya. A big, thumping, balls-on-thetable conflagration. Everything points at war being the way out.
In this country, we’re rather good at making weapons. At the moment we’re forced to sell them to rather rum regimes to use against their own people.
Adecent war would be manna from heaven for arms dealers. There would be no talk of layoffs at BAe.
Our factories would be flat-out making killing machines.
All the money we spend keeping eurocrats in caviar and whores could be spent on crafty cluster bombs, land mines and arse-seeking missiles.
Our at-the-momentidle young people have proved they’re adept at killing virtual people on Call of Duty Zombie #7.
Blowing up thousands of foreigners should be a doddle for them. And a British Army uniform is better for pulling pussy than a tracksuit looted from Matalan.
Plus, there ain’t many much better ways to tackle a population crisis than a war. Because everyone gets dead.
So there you have it. Problem solved.
Now, if the politicians can pull their f*cking thumbs out of their arses and think of an alternative, no doubt we’d all be happy to listen.