PLANK SPANK A TURN-OFF

Midweek Sport - - TV GUIDE -

Dear Lynsey, I’VE had mixed suc­cess with women over the years but thought I had fi­nally stum­bled upon a so­lu­tion.

I was watch­ing MTV the other week when I no­ticed blokes play­ing gui­tars look cool as f*** – and seem to get loads of groupies.

So the next day I went down to my lo­cal mu­sic shop and bought a flashy Fender to woo the ladies with.

I spent the next three nights prac­tis­ing like hell, but could only man­age to learn one song.

Un­de­terred, I hit the town’s nightspots on Satur­day night and got chat­ting to a very sexy girl.

We ex­changed pleas­antries be­fore I slipped into the con­ver­sa­tion that I was a gui­tarist. Well, she was like moist putty in my hands.

She came back to my flat and sat on the couch look­ing very de­mure, de­mand­ing I im­press her with my fret­board skills.

I thought I was up for a def­i­nite shag, but half­way through Ralph Mctell’s she stormed out.

What did I do wrong?

Lynsey says: I’M jet­ting off for some win­ter sun next week, which sounds rather nice. But I have a ma­jor prob­lem even be­fore the wheels leave the tar­mac.

I’m go­ing with my best friend for a girls’ hol­i­day. We’re both sin­gle and hop­ing to pull.

But I re­ally want to take my favourite sex toy with me just in case it doesn’t hap­pen.

Fair enough, you might think, but the last time I packed a buzzing buddy I had the worst ex­pe­ri­ence of my life.

I put my Ram­pant Rab­bit in my hand lug­gage and was pulled to one side go­ing through se­cu­rity.

I’d for­got­ten I had my vibe with me – that was un­til the se­cu­rity guy pulled it out of my bag and held it up for all to see!

I went bright red and wanted the ground to swal­low me up.

The trou­ble is I don’t think I can go for a week with­out my or­gasm aid. What do you think?

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