KRANKIES SEX IS NO SUR­PRISE

Bri­tain’s No1 glam­our model Three’ll do it for you!

Midweek Sport - - SHOW & TELL - With Lin­sey Dawn Mcken­zie

SOME of you may re­mem­ber that a few weeks ago I had a guy come on my we­b­cam and do a par­tic­u­larly odd thing.

For some rea­son he de­cided to put a bot­tle of Treseme con­di­tioner up his bum!

Any­way, the other night he popped up again say­ing he wanted me to pick from three ob­jects for him to stick up his arse – a cu­cum­ber, an orange and an aubergine.

Nat­u­rally, I went for an aubergine; I like a guy to chal­lenge him­self! Lo and be­hold he man­aged to get it up his bum, then popped it out again. He was us­ing some very dodgy foam lube and grunt­ing like a wild an­i­mal.

I think he does it to try to shock me, which I’ve ex­plained is pretty im­pos­si­ble. So af­ter he’d stuck the vegetable up his wrong ’un I gave him a stern talk­ing to.

If he keeps blast­ing things out of his arse he’ll have no bum mus­cles left. He’ll have to have some­thing wedged up there per­ma­nently if he car­ries on like that! WHAT about the Krankies be­ing swingers?

I had to laugh, but it didn’t come as much of a sur­prise to me.

They were my child­hood he­roes and I loved watch­ing them on Crack­er­jack.

Then I met them for real at Paul Daniel’s wed­ding a few years back, and I have to say I found them very odd.

I re­mem­ber say­ing to Mark, “There’s some­thing go­ing on there, I’m sure they’re swingers”. He pissed him­self laugh­ing! Then when I saw that they ac­tu­ally were, I said, “See, I told you so. I’m al­ways right”.

But re­ally, would you want to go swing­ing with that pair?

I could never get my head round the wo­man dress­ing up as a school­boy; it al­ways just seemed a bit weird.

Pri­vacy

I won­der if she stayed like that in the bed­room? You hear of fel­las want­ing to go to bed with a school­girl, but a boy? The mind bog­gles.

And I can’t get why they felt the need to share their swing­ing with the world.

If there was ever a rea­son for the pri­vacy laws in this coun­try be­ing tight­ened up, it’s to pro­tect us all from rev­e­la­tions like these! COME and join me this Christ­mas be­cause I’ll be work­ing through the fes­tiv­i­ties at Red Light Cen­tral.

I’m there on Box­ing Day, Mon­day 26th, then on Satur­day, which is New Year’s Eve, and on Sun­day for New Year’s Day.

I’ve got a sexy red Santa suit and lots of fluffy white stuff to put on my nip­ples!

Tune into Sky Chan­nel 948 and make your hol­i­day goes with a bang! I WAS dis­gusted to see those pic­tures of a wo­man be­ing dragged round the street in just her bra dur­ing the ri­ots in Cairo in Egypt last week.

Fair enough, I know the po­lice have got to get things un­der con­trol, but was there re­ally any need for three po­lice­men to be man­han­dling one wo­man?

The girl had her top pulled up show­ing her bra and didn’t look like she was putting up any kind of fight.

It’s not like she’s some big brute of a fella. She was just a small girl, so why she was be­ing dragged along by three men is be­yond be­lief.

I know we com­plain that Bri­tain’s a soft touch, but at least women get treated a bit bet­ter over here.

My grand­mother was Egyp­tian and I re­mem­ber the tales she used to tell me about when she was grow­ing up as the daugh­ter of two Bri­tish diplo­mats liv­ing over there.

She mar­ried a Bri­tish sol­dier and had three chil­dren, one of them be­ing my mum, but be­cause her own mum didn’t ap­prove of their re­la­tion­ship he was sent back to the UK with their kids.

My mum and her sib­lings spent two years in a chil­dren’s home be­fore my gran fi­nally found the strength to get out of the op­pres­sive regime she faced there.

It doesn’t seem to have changed all that much over the past 60 years, does it?

Look­ing at the way the po­lice treated women in the ri­ots I’m just glad I was born over here.

I’d prob­a­bly have had my head chopped off by now! I’VE got an ex­cit­ing project com­ing up in the New Year – be­spoke porn!

Yes, you read that right. Me, Lucy Zara and Dani Har­wood – who I work with at Red Light Cen­tral – are do­ing made-to-or­der blue movies.

We’ve got a fan who’s asked us to put one to­gether for him. He will di­rect us in ex­actly what he wants us to do, and we’ll do it! Well, within rea­son!

I’ve in­sisted that all of us get to wear a strap on dildo at some point, since with Lucy and Dani both be­ing dom­i­na­tri­ces I could end up with them boss­ing me round all the time, and I’m not hav­ing that!

I think it could be a re­ally ex­cit­ing new project and I reckon it’s most fel­las’ wildest fan­tasy to have three sexy girls do­ing what­ever he wants.

So watch this space, be­cause next time it could be you! WE’VE had a bit of a prob­lem with a stalker at Red Light Cen­tral.

One of the girls came out of work and found a wo­man there who asked for her au­to­graph and started stroking her hair. Since then she’s been ring­ing her all the time and driv­ing her up the wall.

I hope she doesn’t get any ideas about me. I had some weirdo call me the other day and ask if I’d like him to find me and rape me. What is wrong with these nut­ters?

Ob­vi­ously I told him I wouldn’t. Luck­ily I’ve got a se­cu­rity guard with me round the clock to keep cranks like him away. IT was bril­liant to see Harry Judd from Mcfly win Strictly Come Danc­ing last week­end.

I’ve never been a huge Mcfly fan but it’s great to see them do­ing well and mak­ing a come­back.

They just need a good sin­gle to put out now and I reckon all the girls will be swarm­ing round them again.

At least it will make a change from the charts be­ing full of X Fac­tor songs.

Dumped

I was also dead pleased when his Harry’s band­mate Dougie Poyn­ter won I’m A Celebrity. Es­pe­cially given that he’d not long been out of re­hab af­ter Frankie Sand­ford from The Satur­days dumped him.

Now he’s hav­ing the last laugh, and she’s stuck with foot­baller Wayne Bridge.

I don’t know Wayne per­son­ally, he might be a nice guy. But if he’s any­thing like the play­ers I know, she’ll soon be kick­ing her­self and wish­ing she’d stayed with dishy Dougie! I NEARLY threw up my egg and sausage sand­wich this morn­ing when I saw a photo of Nancy Dell’olio poured into a tiny red PVC frock.

What on earth was she think­ing, go­ing out dressed like that? She’s 50 years old for good­ness sake! Why is she go­ing out dressed like a hooker!

Hon­estly, mut­ton dressed as lamb doesn’t even go near to de­scrib­ing that wo­man.

Some­one buy her a mir­ror – she can’t pos­si­bly have one, judg­ing by the way she dresses in pub­lic! To get our most up-to-date list of up-for-it women in your area sim­ply send £5 in cash, cheque or PO to FINEBOURNE, PO Box 210, Ch­ester­field, S41 8LP NAME. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AD­DRESS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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