All An­dre wants for Xmas is a firm stool…

Midweek Sport - - SPORT -

IT’S hard to be harsh week af­ter week so with it be­ing Crimbo and all that, I’m go­ing to go easy on foot­ball for once.

Yep, in­stead of cut­ting thr ough the bull­shit and hit­ting them wher e it hurts, I’m go­ing to be don­ning my imag­i­nary Santa suit and emp­ty­ing my sack all over this col­umn.

But what do you buy the man who has ever ything? Af­ter all, with the dough these pam­per ed Pr emier League stars pocket, they could buy pretty much any­thing they wanted… and they do.

So ther e’s a lot of thought and hard work gone into this list of ver y per­sonal gifts for needy foot­ball peo­ple. Here goes…

CUSH­ION FOR FER­NANDO TOR­RES THE sulky Spa­niard needs to turn that frown up­side down. And what bet­ter way to get the goal­shy striker smil­ing again than a well-placed cush­ion? Af­ter all, he’s do­ing a lot of sit­ting down on the Chelsea bench at the mo­ment.

BARN DOOR FOR ANDY CAR­ROLL AS the gi­ant Ge­ordie can’t hit one, what bet­ter present? Liver­pool’s record sign­ing has man­aged just two goals this sea­son de­spite hav­ing 29 at­tempts. Maybe the pony­tail’s weigh­ing him down. Oh go on, Andy, have a pair of scis­sors as well. MIR­ROR AND WIG FOR

STEVE MC­CLAREN I AS­SUME Steve doesn’t have a mir­ror in his house be­cause if he did he’d see what ev­ery­one else does – a re­ally, re­ally bad bar­net. The Dutch wannabe needs to cut to the chase, shave it all off and go bald or start wear­ing a syrup. We’re all wait­ing, Steve. NOTH­ING FOR DAR­REN BENT BIT sneaky that, wasn’t it? Just as I was plan­ning to buy Benty a nice big wal­let to keep all his cash in, he sneaks off on a Crimbo pressie shop­ping trip while his Villa side lost to Liver­pool. TYRE ON A ROPE FOR GARETH BALE WE de­scended from apes – you know that. But some are closer to their roots than oth­ers, the Welsh wing wiz­ard be­ing one of them. I reckon the Spurs flyer would love noth­ing more than monkeying around on a tyre in his gar­den with a banana milk­shake. Makes a change from giv­ing de­fend­ers the slip. COAT FOR ARSENE WENGER SOME­BODY needs to tell Wenger the gloworm look is so out. In fact, it was so never in. A nice, smart coat for The Pro­fes­sor would re­store his stu­dious charm. And the French­man could get back to do­ing what he does best – plead­ing blind­ness.

NEW DUMMY FOR CAR­LOS TEVEZ WELL he’s spat a cou­ple of them, hasn’t he? And with an exit from Man City seem­ingly im­mi­nent, he’ll need a baby plug for his goal cel­e­bra­tion at his new club. That’s if he makes it onto the pitch be­fore he falls out with some­one else. STOOL FOR AN­DRES

VIL­LAS-BOAS ALL that crouch­ing can’t be good for the knees – have you tried it? That pose should be re­served for those par­tic­u­lar dif­fi­cult turds, not watch­ing foot­ball matches. So I reckon a lit­tle wooden stool would be just the job. He re­ally would look like he should be in Lord of the Rings then.

TAXI FOR STEVE KEAN HARSH? Well, no, I don’t think so. He’s about as pop­u­lar as a fart in a space­suit at Ewood Park, and once the axe falls – as it surely will – he’ll be need­ing a new job. I reckon Kean would make a crack­ing taxi driver – he’d never get lost. Well, he’d never ad­mit to it any­way. WIN­DOW WIN­DER FOR HARRY RED­KNAPP HARRY seems to have a prob­lem with his elec­tric win­dow on his car – it au­to­mat­i­cally rolls down at the sniff of a Sky Sports cam­era. So what could be bet­ter than an old school win­der? Very timely, too with the trans­fer win­dow about to swing open. Triffic, even.

BACK TO BA­SICS: Jarvis is keep­ing

it sim­ple to im­press Fabio

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.