All Andre wants for Xmas is a firm stool…
IT’S hard to be harsh week after week so with it being Crimbo and all that, I’m going to go easy on football for once.
Yep, instead of cutting thr ough the bullshit and hitting them wher e it hurts, I’m going to be donning my imaginary Santa suit and emptying my sack all over this column.
But what do you buy the man who has ever ything? After all, with the dough these pamper ed Pr emier League stars pocket, they could buy pretty much anything they wanted… and they do.
So ther e’s a lot of thought and hard work gone into this list of ver y personal gifts for needy football people. Here goes…
CUSHION FOR FERNANDO TORRES THE sulky Spaniard needs to turn that frown upside down. And what better way to get the goalshy striker smiling again than a well-placed cushion? After all, he’s doing a lot of sitting down on the Chelsea bench at the moment.
BARN DOOR FOR ANDY CARROLL AS the giant Geordie can’t hit one, what better present? Liverpool’s record signing has managed just two goals this season despite having 29 attempts. Maybe the ponytail’s weighing him down. Oh go on, Andy, have a pair of scissors as well. MIRROR AND WIG FOR
STEVE MCCLAREN I ASSUME Steve doesn’t have a mirror in his house because if he did he’d see what everyone else does – a really, really bad barnet. The Dutch wannabe needs to cut to the chase, shave it all off and go bald or start wearing a syrup. We’re all waiting, Steve. NOTHING FOR DARREN BENT BIT sneaky that, wasn’t it? Just as I was planning to buy Benty a nice big wallet to keep all his cash in, he sneaks off on a Crimbo pressie shopping trip while his Villa side lost to Liverpool. TYRE ON A ROPE FOR GARETH BALE WE descended from apes – you know that. But some are closer to their roots than others, the Welsh wing wizard being one of them. I reckon the Spurs flyer would love nothing more than monkeying around on a tyre in his garden with a banana milkshake. Makes a change from giving defenders the slip. COAT FOR ARSENE WENGER SOMEBODY needs to tell Wenger the gloworm look is so out. In fact, it was so never in. A nice, smart coat for The Professor would restore his studious charm. And the Frenchman could get back to doing what he does best – pleading blindness.
NEW DUMMY FOR CARLOS TEVEZ WELL he’s spat a couple of them, hasn’t he? And with an exit from Man City seemingly imminent, he’ll need a baby plug for his goal celebration at his new club. That’s if he makes it onto the pitch before he falls out with someone else. STOOL FOR ANDRES
VILLAS-BOAS ALL that crouching can’t be good for the knees – have you tried it? That pose should be reserved for those particular difficult turds, not watching football matches. So I reckon a little wooden stool would be just the job. He really would look like he should be in Lord of the Rings then.
TAXI FOR STEVE KEAN HARSH? Well, no, I don’t think so. He’s about as popular as a fart in a spacesuit at Ewood Park, and once the axe falls – as it surely will – he’ll be needing a new job. I reckon Kean would make a cracking taxi driver – he’d never get lost. Well, he’d never admit to it anyway. WINDOW WINDER FOR HARRY REDKNAPP HARRY seems to have a problem with his electric window on his car – it automatically rolls down at the sniff of a Sky Sports camera. So what could be better than an old school winder? Very timely, too with the transfer window about to swing open. Triffic, even.
BACK TO BASICS: Jarvis is keeping
it simple to impress Fabio