the freedom of Manchester* *AND NINE OTHER SPORT STORIES YOU WON’T BE SEEING IN 2012...
FERGIE: IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE YOU’VE SCOTT TO BE JOKING!
LONDON was today suddenly shrouded in darkness as a swarm of MOTHS engulfed the city – when Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger creaked open his wallet to fork out £50million for Europe’s hottest property, Napoli hitman Edinson Cavani.
The highly-rated hitman arrives as Robin van Persie leaves to pursue a new career as a weightlifter.
The Dutchman has been slowed down significantly in recent times by his new-found muscular frame – a result of carrying a whole team on his shoulders all season.
It’s the first time tightfisted Frenchman Wenger has prised open his purse to buy big since... ever.
And it’s the first time the Gunners gaffer has bought someone good in a position that was crying out to be filled.
Now London is bracing itself for hell to freeze over as Wenger considers buying a decent keeper and a midfielder who can tackle. ALEX FERGUSON has demanded no more injury time at the end of games.
“It’s getting a bit silly,” said the rednosed Scot. “There’s just too much time for teams to mask average performances with a late goal or two – and of course a string of questionable refereeing decisions.”
Our reporters have dug deep to reveal that Fergie is in fact suffering from a rare form of repetitive strain injury caused by constantly looking at his watch.
Having been told to trash the timepieces for the good of his wrist, the purple-headed one sees little point in so-called “Fergie time”.
A spokesman for refs said yesterday: “OK, Alex.” SKY SPORTS subscribers were up in arms last night after Scott Parker played in a televised match and was NOT awarded man of the match.
The Spurs midfielder, who has run slowly a lot for the White Hart Lane outfit this season, twice put through his own net before missing an open goal from a yard as his side crashed out of the FA Cup 2-1 to pub side The Cock Well Inn.
Parker, who recently ran out of brown to oil the noses of needy commentators, still came a close second for man of the match.
He later said: “I was that kid in the Mcdonald’s advert you know – the one doing the keepy-uppies.”