Jezza’s just an arse kisser!

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

SHAME­LESS paid trib­ute to gang­ster flick Good­fel­las this week.

“As far back as I can re­mem­ber,” said Jamie Maguire, “I never wanted to be a gang­ster.”

Sadly, the sim­i­lar­i­ties ended there. There was no heist at Manch­ester Air­port, no­body got kicked to death in The Jockey, and Frank Gal­lagher’s frozen corpse did not turn up in a meat freezer. They didn’t play any Clap­ton.

It was just the usual low-rent capers: smok­ing cow dung, de­liv­er­ing a smack­head’s baby, and nearly killing a cop.

The di­a­logue was not ex­actly Hol­ly­wood ei­ther: “Your Un­cle Will’s house is free un­til he gets back from nonc­ing in Thai­land. No-one will know you’re in Lud­low.”

Shame­less writ­ers: you re­ally are funny guys! A QUES­TION for fans of BBC1 crafty Cock­ney con artist drama What was the team’s great­est scam? A. The one fake gold. B. The one with the bent cop.­ing most of it in Birm­ing­ham, then telling you it was London. THE re­turn of BBC2’S saw Jeremy Clark­son break a speed record.

I’m not talk­ing about the 204mph he notched up in that Lam­borgh­ini Aven­ta­dor – but the light­ning speed with which his tongue shot up the arse of celebrity guest, of Black Eyed Peas fame.

Or, in this case, the Brown Eye Pleased. Clark­son man­aged Noughtto-sphinc­ter in less than three sec­onds!

First he gushed over Will’s ca­reer – “You must be so busy! You are so in­spi­ra­tional!” – while the great man sat like a stoney-faced Ro­man em­peror.

Then Jezza shame­lessly plugged his guest’s lat­est com­mer­cial ven­ture, a hideous sports car called Ia­mauto, with­out even hint­ing how fugly it is.

Would the fa­mously acid-tongued host have been so for­giv­ing if had not been sat there, do you think?

Or would he have spouted some scripted ban­ter about it look­ing like a six-year-old has been let loose with body­work kit on his dad’s Mon­deo?

Cow­ardly Clark­son did not even mock lit­tle Willy for in­sist­ing on an au­to­matic model for his time trial on the Star In A Rea­son­ably Priced Car fea­ture.

Like a typ­i­cal Yank, he can­not even han­dle a stick – which makes me won­der how he ever worked with Ch­eryl Cole.

Top Gear prides it­self on be­ing rude to Johnny For­eigner and this se­ries looks set to take it even fur­ther with a run­ning gag about Stig’s ex­otic cousins: Chi­nese Stig does karate, Ital­ian Stig hosts or­gies, etc.

That is fine by me, but they should have the balls to be rude to the rich and fa­mous as well as the peas­ants and red­necks.

Clark­son’s brown-nos­ing marred an oth­er­wise great episode, with the chaps chuck­ing three glo­ri­ous su­per­cars (the Lambo, plus a Maclaren MP4-12C and a No­ble M600) around Italy.

Let’s hope the rest of the se­ries matches up. The teaser mon­tage cer­tainly whet­ted the ap­petite, es­pe­cially the scene with Ray Win­stone.

I’ve loved Ray (left) since the movie Scum – ‘Where’s your tool?’

He’s just over there, pal. He’s the tall one in the bad jeans, kiss­ing celebrity ass.

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