Su­ranne can bang me up any day!

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LADY cop drama

is less CSI: Mi­ami and more PMT: Old­ham. They are model pro­fes­sion­als for 27 days a month but woe be­tide any­one who gets nicked when they are on the blob.

Then they make the West Mid­lands Se­ri­ous Crime Squad look like Dixon of Dock Green.

Frankly, when it comes to Bai­ley (Su­ranne Jones), I wouldn’t mind. The ex-cor­rie babe can set about me with a rub­ber trun­cheon any time she likes.

It re­turned to our screens for a sec­ond se­ries with the prom­ise of an ap­pear­ance by “an old ITV favourite”.

“F*** me,” I thought, “they’ve dug up Gi­ant Haystacks!”

Sadly, I was mis­taken. It was ex- Em­merdale star Lisa Ri­ley. She played a Parisian bal­let dancer whose del­i­cate poise and rare beauty masked a..... no, I’m only kid­ding. She played a fat, rough north­ern bird, as al­ways.

“She looks like a wall with a perm,” said the barman, which seemed a bit harsh. On walls.

Ri­ley’s char­ac­ter, Na­dia Hicks, is sus­pected of mur­der­ing at least two pae­dophiles af­ter tor­tur­ing them with a Phillips screw­driver. That seemed a bit far-fetched to me. Who can ever find a Phillips screw­driver when they need one?

When the cops went to nick her, she tried to stran­gle Bai­ley. Her grip was so tight, it was like Su­ranne’s swan-like neck was the last sausage roll in Greggs.

Hang on. Greggs sausage roll. Su­ranne Jones. Hold that thought for a while.

YOU can catch lov­able dope Stacey Solomon on Sky Liv­ing’s

ev­ery Sun­day.

Dur­ing the rest of the week, try The Fag Ma­chine.

girls

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