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BRI­TAIN’S most out­ra­geous writer is here to an­swer your sex prob­lems.

Vikki Dark caused a sen­sa­tion with her hit book

And, although the au­thor is keep­ing her iden­tity a strict se­cret, she’ll be an­swer­ing one reader let­ter in

Dear Vikki, I AM a 70-year old gentleman who has worked hard to build a good life for my wife and I. Our kids have all flown the nest and we’re fi­nan­cially OK.

We have reached the stage where we can re­lax and en­joy our­selves, so I sug­gested to the mis­sus we take a twi­light hon­ey­moon to Mau­ri­tius or the Sey­chelles.

Un­for­tu­nately, my wife isn’t in agree­ment, pre­fer­ring to spend the days vis­it­ing friends and the nights fall­ing asleep mid­way through Coro­na­tion Street. The thing is, Vikki, I feel a bit gut­ted about this state of af­fairs, so when she took her­self off to the bingo as usual one Wed­nes­day evening I found a lady par­lour to visit.

The girls were gor­geous but I know my lim­its in the be­d­room and I was out of Vi­a­gra as I haven’t needed it for years, so I picked a re­ally sexy, busty blonde, paid her the fee and got my head be­tween her legs.

What hap­pened next was not was I was ex­pect­ing; the young filly gig­gled as I must have tick­led her and a bit of wee came out. Sur­pris­ingly the taste of it gave me a full blown stiffy, so I asked the girl nicely if she could bend over, which she did and had a truly won­der­ful time.

Since then I reg­u­larly take a trip out ev­ery Wed­nes­day vis­it­ing all the lo­cal broth­els, choos­ing dif­fer­ent hot­ties to do that which guar­an­tees the old boy shoots up. I have to say I’ve brought a few of them to or­gasm; I can tell from their howls.

The only prob­lem is, I found out that they call me the ‘wee’ man. Some­times I’m walk­ing around the town with my wife and I think peo­ple snig­ger­ing. Am I be­ing para­noid, Vikki?

Mau­rice, Cleethor­pes. MY fella is 25 and I’m 18.

He re­cently went to work abroad for a few months and I en­joyed some un­ex­pected ro­mance on the side while on hol­i­day with a friend.

I met a bloke who was the same age as me and we went skin­ny­dip­ping.

We swam to a se­cluded beach where he rubbed his naked body all over me — with a stonk­ing hard-on.

I grabbed his stiff cock and rubbed fran­ti­cally at it – hop­ing to make him ex­plode.

And I was feel­ing so randy I couldn’t re­sist ly­ing back while he slid into me. I’d never been shagged in the sea be­fore as my boyfriend can’t swim.

But as we lay in the shal­low surf he thrust him­self right into me.

Most lads his age would have or­gasmed straight away but he held him­self back un­til we cli­maxed to­gether.

My love life has now re­turned to nor­mal with my boyfriend but my hol­i­day fella keeps tex­ting and beg­ging to meet up again. Should I? RS, North


Dear Mau­rice, Thank you for com­ing to me with this. It sounds like you have strong, pent-up sex­ual frus­tra­tions and the slight­est taste of fe­male in your mouth is re­vi­tal­is­ing the buck in you.

I’d sug­gest us­ing mouth­wash af­ter­wards and sav­ing the hard-on for when you get home.

Ask the mis­sus to try on a sexy baby doll and treat her to a see­ing-to once in a while; it might change her mind about that break. If that fails, visit places fur­ther out of the area!

Love Vikki x

IF you are open-minded about sex, get your­self an in­vite.

Dear Mor­gan, each week.

Email her now at Mor­gan says, POP your pinny on and make your own f***ing tea. Mor­gan

says, GO for it, girl – he sounds


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