I’m lost for words at lucky Cow­ell’s swords­man­ship

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

THE thought of Si­mon Cow­ell grind­ing away on top of Dannii Minogue is al­most too much to bear.

Just the idea of the X Fac­tor and Bri­tain’s Got Tal­ent supremo’s hairy moobs be­ing in close, sweaty prox­im­ity to Dannii’s fan­tas­tic ches­ti­cles is enough to make me weep – and I’m not talk­ing happy willy tears, ei­ther.

Let’s face it – if he didn’t have zil­lions in the bank he surely wouldn’t have got a look in.

Be­cause take away the huge £200mil­lion for­tune and what are you left with?

A rel­a­tively short man in built-up heels with oddly coif­fured hair, a dra­matic de­meanour and a pen­chant for melodic bal­lads from an­other age.

Wrestling

Like the un­wit­ting geese on French foie gras farms, we’re be­ing force fed the de­tails of Cow­ell’s ex­tra­or­di­nary – and hith­erto un­heard of – swords­man­ship whether we like it or not.

He’s been bury­ing it in a Page 3 model here.

He’s been smash­ing the back doors in of a make-up artist there.

He’s been wrestling the two-backed beast with a singer over yon­der.

Fair enough. He’s loaded. Loaded men get laid. But Dannii??? Thank­fully, it seems he didn’t get to have his wicked way with Ch­eryl Cole, de­spite lust­ing af­ter her for ages.

“I felt I was the mouse with a beau­ti­ful cat,” he sup­pos­edly said. Pity. She could have bit­ten the c*** in two.

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