I’m lost for words at lucky Cowell’s swordsmanship
THE thought of Simon Cowell grinding away on top of Dannii Minogue is almost too much to bear.
Just the idea of the X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent supremo’s hairy moobs being in close, sweaty proximity to Dannii’s fantastic chesticles is enough to make me weep – and I’m not talking happy willy tears, either.
Let’s face it – if he didn’t have zillions in the bank he surely wouldn’t have got a look in.
Because take away the huge £200million fortune and what are you left with?
A relatively short man in built-up heels with oddly coiffured hair, a dramatic demeanour and a penchant for melodic ballads from another age.
Like the unwitting geese on French foie gras farms, we’re being force fed the details of Cowell’s extraordinary – and hitherto unheard of – swordsmanship whether we like it or not.
He’s been burying it in a Page 3 model here.
He’s been smashing the back doors in of a make-up artist there.
He’s been wrestling the two-backed beast with a singer over yonder.
Fair enough. He’s loaded. Loaded men get laid. But Dannii??? Thankfully, it seems he didn’t get to have his wicked way with Cheryl Cole, despite lusting after her for ages.
“I felt I was the mouse with a beautiful cat,” he supposedly said. Pity. She could have bitten the c*** in two.