Funeral misery was good practice for Bill
FANNY or arsehole?
That was the big question on Channel 4’s Hit The Road Jack, when posh comic Jack Whitehall stuck his arm up a cow but was unsure which orifice he had entered.
Well, I have done some research and can give you a definitive answer – arsehole.
As in Jack Whitehall, the arsehole, stuck his hand up a cow’s orifice.
He was in the West Country, which might explain why the show was like a Cornish pasty – full of bollocks and filler.
He did do a good gag about morris dancing, though, which he had been forced to learn at school.
“Do you know how hard it is to get girls when you do morris dancing?” he asked. “You can’t even creep up on them because they can hear the f***ing bells!”
It featured Ricky Gervais playing a bad caricature in a naff costume, parroting the unfunny catchphrase “Are you avin’ a laugh? Is he avin’ a laugh?!” Well, that garbage looks like
compared to Gervais’ new and non-deliberately terrible comedy on Channel 4.
Derek ( is a social misfit with a heart of gold who helps out in a geriatric care home. He has a sh*t life, loves a woman he will never get, and his friends are mainly the care home residents who keep dying.
And, erm, that is about it. So, was I ‘avin’ a laugh? No. Not once. DARK times for Everton FC owner Bill Kenwright.
First his beloved Toffees lose to Liverpool in the FA Cup semifinal. Then his on-screen Coronation Street mum Betty Williams pops her clogs.
To be fair, the FA Cup result was more shocking than the pint-pulling pensioner’s demise.
We all knew that Betty was bound to be written out since actress Betty Driver died last year. But who would have guessed that useless lump Andy Carroll could score for Liverpool when it mattered?
Kenwright, who played Betty’s bastard son Gordon Clegg i n the 1960s, returned to the cobbles to break the sad news.
He was good at crying – you get a lot of practice when you follow Everton – but Gordon seemed a bit of a drip. It was hard to believe that such a wet blanket could spring from the loins of a tough old bird like Betty.
He was thick as two short planks as well. The daft sod thought his mam might like to be buried in London. Yeah, right. And maybe Bill Kenwright wants his ashes scattered in the Anfield Kop.
To make matters worse, he kept going on about “casserole”. Oi, Gordon, it is called “hotpot” round here, ya big soft, shandy-drinking, southerner! Betty was living with Gordon when she died. He said she’d been reading a book called Five Children And It, which I’ve never heard of but presume it is about the Battersbys.
The news sent shockwave around Weatherfield. Rita even closed the Kabin “as a mark of respect”, which puts Kim JongIl’s state funeral to shame.
It will be interesting to see what name they put on the grave stone. She has been Betty Williams since 1995 but to me and you she’ll always be Betty Turpin.
And, by the way, whoever sets the drinks prices in the Rovers – Ken is now paying £1.85 for a half! – should always be known as Dick Turpin.
POLICE release them! Suranne’s got lovely knockers
in DO you remember
the deliberately terrible sitcom