Porn past panic
Dear Vikki, I’M a 27-year-old guy with my whole life ahead of me and I think I might have messed it up from the get go.
You see I have turned my life around in the last few years and have landed the job of my dreams as a maths teacher in a secondary school – but sometimes I have this huge sinking feeling that it’s all going to come crashing down on me because of my past.
During my late teens I got into drugs and started working as a male escort for women and men; the money was good but the main market for male escorts is with male clients and I’m not gay so when I met another guy on the job who worked in porn movies I got the connections I needed to escape and to move on to that.
I was still wasting all my money on partying when I started in the porn industry; life was one big party. The first day I turned up to the shoot a stunning tall blonde answered the door in white knickers and a stretched tiny white T-shirt that spread over her massive round breasts.
As I watched her walk on in front of me; my manhood grew; it was a struggle not to spray my load there and then.
I knew I was doing the right thing there and then when I saw that peachy bum through those little knickers so why has it turned out to be so wrong now?
When she stripped her clothes off in front of the whole crew, dropping to her knees before looking up at me with those sultry ice blue eyes before sucking me off I thought I must have sold my sold my soul to the devil as nothing on earth had ever felt that good – how right I was.
After turning things around and saying goodbye to my party loving associates; I went back to college and got the qualifications I needed to make a career; I needed that in my life. Now I work in a great job and earn enough money.
Two nights ago I settled down in front of the box and I turned on the TV and saw that same lass in one of these reality shows – I’m not going to say the name because I will draw attention to it even more, but the fact that she is a porn star is out there as I’ve investigated and I’m worried that this is going to go viral to the point where I get seen by some of the pupils or other staff.
I’ve noticed I’m feeling paranoid; even when someone sniggers or looks at their friend in a funny way an uncomfortable thought runs through my mind as to whether they have seen me shagging on film. What do you think I should do?
Anon Dear Anon, I’M so sorry that you find yourself in a place where you are scared.
There are a few factors that you have to problematise before possibly magnifying the whole situation out of proportion; How many films has she made?
If the only film she’s made is the one with you then the chances that someone will see from school are greater. If she’s made lots then they are less.
Secondly; is the reality show prime time? It could be a late night affair which puts you in better stead.
How many years have passed? Now this is important as people can change to the point where they can be unrecognisable to people who do not know them well.
Conceptualise it and review your feelings by agreeing with yourself to remain as calm, cool and collective as you can and thinking that if the worst ever happened that you as a human being COULD DEFINITELY handle it and YOU would make the life changes accordingly.
Now take a deep breath and carry on inspiring.
Love Vikki x