Stop arson about and glam up, pet
GEORDIE police detective Vera returned to ITV1 with a secret confession: “I’ve got acute angina.”
“Good for you, pet” was my first thought, “because your face and t*ts are not exactly Cheryl Cole territory. More like Spuggy from Byker Grove, to be honest.”
Then I realised she’d said Angina, as in the heart condition.
I think we were supposed to care but I struggled to give a sh*t because, well, DCI Vera Stanhope (Brenda Blethyn) seems a miserable old sow and this is only her second series. At least Morse put in a decent shift before his ticker gave up.
Sunday night’s episode was called The Ghost Position, which apparently means the pose a ballerina strikes while dancing with an imaginary partner.
And there was me thinking it was doing your missus while she bends over a potter’s wheel, Demi Moore style.
The case involved an arson attack on the home of a police officer, Sergeant Stuart Macken, which left his teenage daughter Stella in a coma.
The copper was so distraught that he threw himself off a balcony in hospital. Typical Geordies, eh? They always get very emotional, especially when Stella is involved. Everyone assumed the attack was related to Sgt Macken’s police work. They did not even stop to consider it might be a dyslexic Magpies fan who thought his name was “Mackem”.
Anyway, it turned out to be Stella’s fault. She was “shocked” out of her coma when her life support machine was sabotaged – yeah, because that is how medicine works – and confessed to messing around with petrol bombs because “I just get so sick of always being small”.
Next time, before reaching straight for the unleaded, she might want to try a pair of high heels first.
That advice goes for Vera, too. Not because she has insecurities over her size. It is just that she looks like a bag lady.