Stop ar­son about and glam up, pet

Midweek Sport - - BATCHELOR ON THE BOX -

GE­ORDIE po­lice de­tec­tive Vera re­turned to ITV1 with a se­cret con­fes­sion: “I’ve got acute angina.”

“Good for you, pet” was my first thought, “be­cause your face and t*ts are not ex­actly Ch­eryl Cole ter­ri­tory. More like Spuggy from Byker Grove, to be hon­est.”

Then I re­alised she’d said Angina, as in the heart con­di­tion.

I think we were sup­posed to care but I strug­gled to give a sh*t be­cause, well, DCI Vera Stan­hope (Brenda Blethyn) seems a mis­er­able old sow and this is only her sec­ond se­ries. At least Morse put in a de­cent shift be­fore his ticker gave up.

Sun­day night’s episode was called The Ghost Po­si­tion, which ap­par­ently means the pose a bal­le­rina strikes while danc­ing with an imag­i­nary part­ner.

And there was me think­ing it was do­ing your mis­sus while she bends over a pot­ter’s wheel, Demi Moore style.

The case in­volved an ar­son at­tack on the home of a po­lice of­fi­cer, Sergeant Stu­art Macken, which left his teenage daugh­ter Stella in a coma.

The cop­per was so dis­traught that he threw him­self off a bal­cony in hospi­tal. Typ­i­cal Ge­ordies, eh? They al­ways get very emo­tional, es­pe­cially when Stella is in­volved. Ev­ery­one as­sumed the at­tack was re­lated to Sgt Macken’s po­lice work. They did not even stop to con­sider it might be a dyslexic Mag­pies fan who thought his name was “Mackem”.

Any­way, it turned out to be Stella’s fault. She was “shocked” out of her coma when her life sup­port ma­chine was sab­o­taged – yeah, be­cause that is how medicine works – and con­fessed to mess­ing around with petrol bombs be­cause “I just get so sick of al­ways be­ing small”.

Next time, be­fore reach­ing straight for the un­leaded, she might want to try a pair of high heels first.

That ad­vice goes for Vera, too. Not be­cause she has in­se­cu­ri­ties over her size. It is just that she looks like a bag lady.

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