Cor­rie bad­dies a bit too camp

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WHAT an emo­tional roller­coaster was Seven Dwarves: The Wed­ding.

The C4 doc­u­men­tary had me feel­ing like Snow White in a gang bang – one minute I was feel­ing Grumpy, the next I was feel­ing Happy.

It fol­lowed the wed­ding prepa­ra­tions of Max and Karen, two dwarf ac­tors who met while per­form­ing in a pan­tomime two years ago. I’m afraid I have no idea which one.

At first I thought this film was just pok­ing fun at the pocket-sized love­birds, par­tic­u­larly as the open­ing scene showed them re­hears­ing their first wed­ding dance, to El­ton John’s Your Song.

It’s open­ing lyric is “I’m not one of those who can eas­ily hide”?

Re­ally? I reckon you’d find it eas­ier than most.

By the end, though, I was gen­uinely choked by the ob­vi­ous love be­tween the new­ly­weds, and their fam­ily and friends.

Plus, their stag and hen par­ties looked awe­some. He barfed in the street

On the one hand, it is very clever and mod­ern, bril­liantly spoof­ing crap re­al­ity shows which fol­low the dull lives of no-mark celebri­ties.

“We’re just vis­it­ing the old youth club where Rosie and I first met,” says hero Keith Le­mon on a visit to Leeds.

“This isn’t re­al­ity, though, cos I and she laughed so hard she pissed her­self on Brighton prom.

Not just a thim­ble­ful, ei­ther. Inside that tiny body she has the blad­der of a baker’s horse.

It was lovely tele­vi­sion but my only com­plaint is that it fin­ished with the wed­ding party.

Why not go the whole hog and show us the hon­ey­moon an­tics.

Af­ter all, there is only one thing to shout at a cou­ple who met in panto on their wed­ding night... HE’S BE­HIND YOU! don’t usu­ally spend my days go­ing to me old youth club.”

On the other hand, we also get plenty of old-fash­ioned school­boy smut.

“I re­ally liked your band Eighth Won­der” Keith told his new dog-sit­ter, Patsy Ken­sit ( “I didn’t lis­ten to the mu­sic, I just used to put your cov­ers on the wall and w*nk off to them.”

“At least some­one did,” was her gra­cious re­ply. GOOD news from Cor­rie – the doc­tor says Tracy’s vi­tal signs have sta­bilised and she is re­gain­ing some kid­ney func­tion.

That means the un­pleas­ant lit­tle or­gan will be back to ex­tract­ing the urine in no time. And so will its kid­ney. Tracy’s ill­ness is an­other has­sle Steve McDon­ald could do with­out.

He has al­ready got his hands full with nasty Niall BASED on gen­uine in­ter­views with the yobs who looted Lon­don last sum­mer

re­vealed – wait for it – they nicked stuff be­cause it was free and a bit of fun. No sh*t, Sher­lock. There was still a cou­ple of great lines though. Like the teenage girl who com­plained that an­other ri­oter had stolen her freshly looted com­puter. Yeah, don’t you just hate ri­ot­ers who are not pre­pared to put in the graft and do their own loot­ing? They ruin it for all the good, hon­est loot­ers out there.

Then there was the gobby tw*t who said he’d tar­geted Next and JD Sport be­cause they had turned him down for jobs in the past.

I’ll bet they are kick­ing them­selves now. Fancy miss­ing out on the chance of giv­ing such a fine young man ac­cess to your tills and stock! want­ing to use his mini­cabs to de­liver drugs.

A mini­cab busi­ness linked to the crim­i­nal un­der­world? Per­ish the thought!

Niall ( right) is the lat­est in a long line of pan­tomime drug deal­ers in soa­p­land. He is so camp, he makes Jez Quigley look like Pablo Es­co­bar.

Per­haps the Cor­rie guys have never met a real drug dealer. They must be a rar­ity in Manch­ester. GREAT to see The Who per­form­ing at the Olympics clos­ing cer­e­mony. If he has got time to play gigs, I’m guess­ing gui­tarist Pete Town­shend must have fin­ished that book by now?

He was bril­liant. So was Stephen Gra­ham as Tony, the mar­ried man with whom Bean was en­joy­ing a, erm, Fel­low­ship of the Ring.

Tony loved nail­ing the flam­boy­ant ‘Tracey’ but only af­ter a skin­ful. One night he even turned up eat­ing a ke­bab. Well, it is not like Tracey had one to of­fer.

It all ended in tears when Tracey met Tony’s wife at a make-up counter.

“Make me look like Ch­eryl Cole,” said the tranny, which seemed a bit am­bi­tious.

If you want to look like any of Girls Aloud, you should re­ally start with the gin­ger and work your way up.

Tracey still looked dog rough af­ter the makeover. Noth­ing like Chezza – al­though she did bear a pass­ing re­sem­blance to the women Ash­ley was rat­tling be­hind her back.

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