Corrie baddies a bit too camp
WHAT an emotional rollercoaster was Seven Dwarves: The Wedding.
The C4 documentary had me feeling like Snow White in a gang bang – one minute I was feeling Grumpy, the next I was feeling Happy.
It followed the wedding preparations of Max and Karen, two dwarf actors who met while performing in a pantomime two years ago. I’m afraid I have no idea which one.
At first I thought this film was just poking fun at the pocket-sized lovebirds, particularly as the opening scene showed them rehearsing their first wedding dance, to Elton John’s Your Song.
It’s opening lyric is “I’m not one of those who can easily hide”?
Really? I reckon you’d find it easier than most.
By the end, though, I was genuinely choked by the obvious love between the newlyweds, and their family and friends.
Plus, their stag and hen parties looked awesome. He barfed in the street
On the one hand, it is very clever and modern, brilliantly spoofing crap reality shows which follow the dull lives of no-mark celebrities.
“We’re just visiting the old youth club where Rosie and I first met,” says hero Keith Lemon on a visit to Leeds.
“This isn’t reality, though, cos I and she laughed so hard she pissed herself on Brighton prom.
Not just a thimbleful, either. Inside that tiny body she has the bladder of a baker’s horse.
It was lovely television but my only complaint is that it finished with the wedding party.
Why not go the whole hog and show us the honeymoon antics.
After all, there is only one thing to shout at a couple who met in panto on their wedding night... HE’S BEHIND YOU! don’t usually spend my days going to me old youth club.”
On the other hand, we also get plenty of old-fashioned schoolboy smut.
“I really liked your band Eighth Wonder” Keith told his new dog-sitter, Patsy Kensit ( “I didn’t listen to the music, I just used to put your covers on the wall and w*nk off to them.”
“At least someone did,” was her gracious reply. GOOD news from Corrie – the doctor says Tracy’s vital signs have stabilised and she is regaining some kidney function.
That means the unpleasant little organ will be back to extracting the urine in no time. And so will its kidney. Tracy’s illness is another hassle Steve McDonald could do without.
He has already got his hands full with nasty Niall BASED on genuine interviews with the yobs who looted London last summer
revealed – wait for it – they nicked stuff because it was free and a bit of fun. No sh*t, Sherlock. There was still a couple of great lines though. Like the teenage girl who complained that another rioter had stolen her freshly looted computer. Yeah, don’t you just hate rioters who are not prepared to put in the graft and do their own looting? They ruin it for all the good, honest looters out there.
Then there was the gobby tw*t who said he’d targeted Next and JD Sport because they had turned him down for jobs in the past.
I’ll bet they are kicking themselves now. Fancy missing out on the chance of giving such a fine young man access to your tills and stock! wanting to use his minicabs to deliver drugs.
A minicab business linked to the criminal underworld? Perish the thought!
Niall ( right) is the latest in a long line of pantomime drug dealers in soapland. He is so camp, he makes Jez Quigley look like Pablo Escobar.
Perhaps the Corrie guys have never met a real drug dealer. They must be a rarity in Manchester. GREAT to see The Who performing at the Olympics closing ceremony. If he has got time to play gigs, I’m guessing guitarist Pete Townshend must have finished that book by now?
He was brilliant. So was Stephen Graham as Tony, the married man with whom Bean was enjoying a, erm, Fellowship of the Ring.
Tony loved nailing the flamboyant ‘Tracey’ but only after a skinful. One night he even turned up eating a kebab. Well, it is not like Tracey had one to offer.
It all ended in tears when Tracey met Tony’s wife at a make-up counter.
“Make me look like Cheryl Cole,” said the tranny, which seemed a bit ambitious.
If you want to look like any of Girls Aloud, you should really start with the ginger and work your way up.
Tracey still looked dog rough after the makeover. Nothing like Chezza – although she did bear a passing resemblance to the women Ashley was rattling behind her back.