Stony old bint in Al­bert Sq re­turn

Midweek Sport - - FRONT PAGE -

Ever the ge­nial host, the grav­el­gar­gling alkie then per­suaded the usual crowd to turn up by a mix­ture of threats, emo­tional black­mail and, er, ac­tual black­mail.

Like Russ Ab­bott, that guy just loves a party with an at­mos­phere.

For added LOLs, he then pub­licly sacked lov­able Al­fie Moon and ap­pointed Roxie as “man­ager”. Yeah, be­cause a crappy back street boozer needs a li­censee AND a man­ager. Those boxes of crisps will not or­der them­selves, y’know.

Most of the “party” guests did not want to be there – for f*ck’s sake, had they not heard about the BUNTING? – but at least Jack Bran­ning tried to liven things up with...drum roll please... the Easten­ders’ an­nual joke.

Are you ready for this? Jack had promised to line up a tasty sort for his bruvver Derek, but he chose a bird who was much taller! Ged­dit?! Be­cause he is short, you see, and so when she stood up she was much TALLER!

What do you mean, “we are not amused”? You lot are worse than that stony old bint that Phil was so keen to re-in­stall in his pub.

No, not the statue – Sharon! BE­ING Liver­pool, Chan­nel 5’s fly-up­the-bum doc­u­men­tary on LFC, be­gan with a diehard Red say­ing he would fol­low his club to “a cor­ru­gated iron roof in the mid­dle of Afghanistan”.

You might have to one day, la. You know what the Amer­i­cans are like when it comes to shift­ing their “fran­chises” a cou­ple of thou­sand miles.

Owner John Henry ( above) claims he has the best in­ter­ests of the club at heart, al­though it was not clear if he knows which coun­try it is in.

Ex­plain­ing his joy at stag­ing a Liver­poolRoma friendly in Bos­ton, he ex­plained it was the per­fect city be­cause “it is heav­ily Ital­ian and heav­ily Ir­ish”.

Bril­liant. But, last time I looked, Liver­pool was in Eng­land. Phil Mitchell tried to make a big splash on by un­veil­ing THAT royal bust we were all so des­per­ate to see.

Sadly, I do not mean he was dishing out copies of the French edition of Closer mag­a­zine. He’d just dusted off the old statue of Queen Vic­to­ria which used to adorn the bar of the Al­bert Square boozer.

Ap­par­ently it had not been there for a while. I feel bad now for not notic­ing – like when I used to flunk the ob­ser­va­tion round on Krypton Fac­tor (al­though, to be fair, I ac­tu­ally gave a sh*t while watch­ing the Krypton Fac­tor).

Any­way, the bust was sym­bolic of the fact that Phil has now taken over the pub he once ran – so that’s a bust mark­ing the re­turn of the tit.

Nor did his ef­forts for a ma­jor re­launch end there – he was so de­ter­mined to make it a spe­cial night that he bought some bunting from the Mini-Mart.

Wow. Lau­rence Llewe­lyn-Bowen eat yer heart out.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.