Stony old bint in Albert Sq return
Ever the genial host, the gravelgargling alkie then persuaded the usual crowd to turn up by a mixture of threats, emotional blackmail and, er, actual blackmail.
Like Russ Abbott, that guy just loves a party with an atmosphere.
For added LOLs, he then publicly sacked lovable Alfie Moon and appointed Roxie as “manager”. Yeah, because a crappy back street boozer needs a licensee AND a manager. Those boxes of crisps will not order themselves, y’know.
Most of the “party” guests did not want to be there – for f*ck’s sake, had they not heard about the BUNTING? – but at least Jack Branning tried to liven things up with...drum roll please... the Eastenders’ annual joke.
Are you ready for this? Jack had promised to line up a tasty sort for his bruvver Derek, but he chose a bird who was much taller! Geddit?! Because he is short, you see, and so when she stood up she was much TALLER!
What do you mean, “we are not amused”? You lot are worse than that stony old bint that Phil was so keen to re-install in his pub.
No, not the statue – Sharon! BEING Liverpool, Channel 5’s fly-upthe-bum documentary on LFC, began with a diehard Red saying he would follow his club to “a corrugated iron roof in the middle of Afghanistan”.
You might have to one day, la. You know what the Americans are like when it comes to shifting their “franchises” a couple of thousand miles.
Owner John Henry ( above) claims he has the best interests of the club at heart, although it was not clear if he knows which country it is in.
Explaining his joy at staging a LiverpoolRoma friendly in Boston, he explained it was the perfect city because “it is heavily Italian and heavily Irish”.
Brilliant. But, last time I looked, Liverpool was in England. Phil Mitchell tried to make a big splash on by unveiling THAT royal bust we were all so desperate to see.
Sadly, I do not mean he was dishing out copies of the French edition of Closer magazine. He’d just dusted off the old statue of Queen Victoria which used to adorn the bar of the Albert Square boozer.
Apparently it had not been there for a while. I feel bad now for not noticing – like when I used to flunk the observation round on Krypton Factor (although, to be fair, I actually gave a sh*t while watching the Krypton Factor).
Anyway, the bust was symbolic of the fact that Phil has now taken over the pub he once ran – so that’s a bust marking the return of the tit.
Nor did his efforts for a major relaunch end there – he was so determined to make it a special night that he bought some bunting from the Mini-Mart.
Wow. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen eat yer heart out.