Has Ken been stok­ing the old boiler again?

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caught up with a hand­ful of Miss GBs and Miss UKs from the 1970s and 80s.

I’m not sure why they both­ered chang­ing the ti­tle to Miss UK. Sure, it opened the con­test up to chicks from North­ern Ire­land but they were never go­ing to win. You can only ever look so good in a bal­a­clava.

One of the win­ners was Tracy Dodds (1982), who was stripped of the ti­tle af­ter it emerged that she had done some top­less mod­el­ling (right).

“Af­ter they were printed it all went splat,” she said. I ex­pect it did many times, love. Mainly while their wives were out shop­ping.

An­other was Carolyn Seaward (1979), who reck­ons beauty pageants were pop­u­lar be­cause pretty women look more fer­tile and “hu­mans are pro­grammed to want to breed”.

Hmmm. I’m not sure how pop­u­la­tion growth is aided by mil­lions of men fu­ri­ously knock­ing one out to the swimwear round, but there we go.

The for­mer beauty queen who had aged the best was Carolyn Moore. She won Miss GB way back in 1971 and re­mains a to­tal GILF at 60.

Se­ri­ously, she is one HOT pen­sioner. If the Tories do cut Win­ter Fuel Al­lowance, I am so vol­un­teer­ing to keep her warm this win­ter.

I can see it now: me blind­folded and tied to the fridge while she smears food over my body....just as soon as Meals on Wheels drop it off.

re­turned to ITV1 with 30 new “ladies” all wait­ing to meet Mr Right. “You are like sexy boomerangs!” boomed host Paddy McGui­ness, “You keep com­ing back for more.”

Yep, and only a man who has spent his life in the desert would want to pick you up.

One of them is a pri­mary school teacher – al­though prob­a­bly not for long, if the board of gov­er­nors were watch­ing – who thinks of ev­ery man she meets as an an­i­mal.

She said that Paddy, for ex­am­ple, is a panda. Yeah, but surely ev­ery man she dates is like a panda – he eats, shoots and leaves.

An­other is called Thiopia. I pre­sume it was meant to be “Ethiopia” but her par­ents dropped the E. God knows, you’d need to drop plenty of Es to find her charm­ing on a date. EX­CEL­LENT stu­dent sit­com Fresh Meat re­turned to Chan­nel 4 with posh twit JP (Jack White­hall, above) dis­cov­er­ing that the guy he wanked off at board­ing school is now openly gay.

“I had gay sex with a gay guy!” he wailed, “Does that make ME gay?”

As well as swap­ping gay con­fes­sions, JP and his old mate dressed up in to­gas, spoke to each other in cod Latin and com­pared north­ern­ers to loyal Labradors.

It was, in other words, very much like a week­end at Che­quers with David Cameron and Boris John­son. Chan­nel 4 com­edy Fri­day Night Din­ner is now served up on Sun­day evenings. Per­haps that ex­plains why it felt so cold and stale. KEN Bar­low threw a paddy at his own birthday party this week, stomp­ing out of the Rovers with a right titty lip.

He should have grown out of that by now. I’m not say­ing that guy is old but he has wall­pa­pered his box room with tele­grams from the Queen.

The Cor­rie stal­wart was up­set that his friends thought he’d been shag­ging be­hind Deirdre’s back.

Why on earth would they think that?

Apart from Martha Fraser, Sue Jef­fers, Wendy Crozier, Sally Water­man, Rita Lit­tle­wood and Jackie Marsh, give me ONE good rea­son!

It is not like their sus­pi­cions were ground­less. Wendy Crozier is back on the scene – she and Ken are both school gov­er­nors – and he did sneak off to her house for a clan­des­tine meet­ing.

They were sup­posed to be look­ing into a new boiler sys­tem for Bessie Street but there was a burn­ing in­ten­sity to their meet­ing, with the un­mis­take­able spark of de­sire flick­er­ing in their eyes. Or it might have just been the pi­lot light.

Plus, Wendy had given Ken a se­cret birthday gift of snazzy cuff­links. He was well chuffed – al­though I am not sure you need them on a cardi­gan.

Their se­cret ren­dezvous was rum­bled by Deirdre, who leapt into Rita’s car and begged her to tail Ken’s taxi. “Fol­low that cad!” she said. Or she would have done, if I wrote Cor­rie’s scripts.

“Eeeeeeee, this is like Cag­ney and Lacey,” said Rita, al­though at the speed she drove it was more like Noddy and Big Ears.

In the end, Deirdre is­sued Ken an ul­ti­ma­tum– choose be­tween your job or me!

Nei­ther op­tion sounds too ap­peal­ing. Bessie Street School gover­nor or hus­band of Deirdre... ei­ther way your life will re­volve around ser­vic­ing a clapped­out boiler. In other Cor­rie news, there was a wild­cat strike at Un­der­world. I have never seen a picket line at a lin­gerie fac­tory be­fore – but pre­sum­ably they stand around a brassiere, singing protest thongs. BRIL­LIANT US drama

– about a hero US Marine se­cretly turned by Al-Qaeda – re­turned for a sec­ond se­ries with Sergeant Ni­cholas Brody (Damien Lewis) now in the run­ning to be Vice-Pres­i­dent of the USA.

Wow. A VP who shoots and maims in­no­cent Amer­i­cans – they have not had one of those since Dick “the duck­hunter” Cheney.

Brody’s story is be­gin­ning to un­ravel, how­ever, af­ter his wife dis­cov­ered he is a se­cret Mus­lim who se­cretly prays to Al­lah in his garage.

That’s not so un­usual. I pray to Al­lah in my garage. And to Je­sus, Shiva, Ganesh, Bud­dha ...any­one, frankly, who’ll get the car to start.

Ex-CIA agent Carrie Mathi­son (Claire Danes, above), mean­while, was flown to Beirut to meet one of her old in­for­mants – a Ji­hadi ter­ror­ist’s wife who se­cretly loves the USA af­ter watch­ing Ju­lia Roberts movies.

Pre­sum­ably she never saw

BBC2 doc­u­men­tary

SPLAT: Tracy

GILF: Carolynn

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