Splash the cash ...and get nasty

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right) Marx. Sadly, Derek is more like Skid Marx.

By set­ting it in a clo­surethreat­ened care home, Ger­vais wants us to share his fury that we do not give enough money to look af­ter our old folk. (I won­der if he gives the same ser­mon to his mil­lion­aire show­biz mates and their clever tax ac­coun­tants.)

He may well have a point about care home fund­ing. The trou­ble is that this one de­serves to be shut down – not least be­cause it al­lows a sex­u­ally ag­gres­sive tramp called Kev to knock around with the res­i­dents.

Well, would you want your nan liv­ing there?

But let’s not worry about such tri­fling de­tails eh? In Ger­vais’ world any­one who wears a tabard is Good, and any­one who wears a suit or car­ries a clip­board is Bad. And if that is too com­pli­cated for you, don’t worry – the soppy pi­ano score will tell you when to feel an­gry or sad.

Derek, a bit­ter­sweet com­edy drama? Are you ‘avin a laugh! THERE was a rat in Maria’s un­der­wear on By co­in­ci­dence there is a rat in Samia Ghadie’s un­der­wear in real life, too – and he’ll prob­a­bly stay there un­til the next se­ries of

Mean­while, Tracy has got her­self a job stuff­ing boxes (not her own, for a change) in the knicker fac­tory.

Some of the staff are giv­ing her a tough time but Tracy is no pushover.

“I’ve known some hard nuts in my time,” she said, “and I reckon I can hold my own.”

Hold your own nuts? The only woman in Weather­field ca­pa­ble of do­ing that is Hay­ley Crop­per. BE­ING Eileen is the new BBC1 sit­com set in Birken­head, a de­prived town where un­em­ploy­ment rates are dou­ble the na­tional av­er­age.

So you’d think they might have found at least one lo­cal fella to work on it.

But, no. In­stead they cast Dean Gra­ham, whose brave at­tempt at a Birken­head ac­cent kept drift­ing back to his na­tive York­shire.

In a sin­gle sen­tence, it crossed the Pen­nines more times than Sad­dle­worth Moun­tain Res­cue.

Even Scouse roy­alty Sue John­ston ( above) sounded a bit too posh for Birken­head, and had an un­likely ob­ses­sion with the North­ern Lights.

As her other screen hubby Jim Royle might say – Aurora Bore-myarse-lis! The big win­ner of celebrity-div­ing show was a strange-look­ing cove who shot to fame dur­ing the Olympics.

No, not Ed­die the Ea­gle Ed­wards, although he did get the most votes.

The real vic­tor was St Clare of Bald­ing – who ducked a de­served bul­let for fronting that dreary guff on the other side.

Be­cause while Splash! was busily giv­ing us what we crave – fun, razzmatazz, skimpy cozzies, sparkly dress­ing gowns and the rit­ual hu­mil­i­a­tion of has-beens, half-ares and never-weres – Bri­tain’s Bright­est gave us peo­ple do­ing spell­ing tests and men­tal arith­metic.

And yet as a na­tion we chose to pour our scorn on ITV! Some­times I think we do not de­serve tele­vi­sion.

Sure, Splash! did not get ev­ery­thing right. If they do brave an­other se­ries, some whole­sale changes are in or­der.

First: drop Jo Brand. Prefer­ably from the 10-me­tre board, when the pool has been drained for main­te­nance.

Sec­ond: get bet­ter scriptwrit­ers.

The links were so cringey, I had to watch them with ev­ery mus­cle in my body clenched.



MA­SOOD smashed Zainab’s water fea­ture on

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