Tired has fallen so flat

Midweek Sport - - IN THIS WEEK'S SENSATIONAL -

CHAR­ITY is all about giv­ing a help­ing hand to the world’s most des­per­ate peo­ple – the for­got­ten, the vul­ner­a­ble, the cast aside.

So it was no sur­prise to see Dean Gaffney do a turn on BBC1’s Let’s Dance for

Well, you know what they say: give a washed-up Eas­tEn­ders ac­tor a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but give him an un­paid slot on BBC1 prime time and he might just pick up an­other Daz ad­vert or a run at Celebrity Big Brother.

Fail­ing that, at least he’ll get a hot meal from the BBC can­teen. It might even be fish.

Hey, maybe they should go for Mar­tine McCutcheon next. We need to get that yo­ghurt-guz­zling bint work­ing again so she can PAY US SOME F***ING TAX!

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, Let’s Dance for Comic Re­lief – a fine idea when it be­gan five se­ries ago but now suf­fer­ing badly from the law of di­min­ish­ing re­turns.

The men in drag, the game-for-alaugh celebs , the zany judges, the tongue-in-cheek pre­sen­ta­tion, the state-en­forced jol­lity – we’ve seen it all be­fore. The whole thing is look­ing more tired than the poor Africans they show in the heart-tug­ging clips.

And while most of the celebs are prob­a­bly do­ing it for the right rea­sons, I sus­pect a cou­ple of them would raise cash for Al-Qaeda if it got them onto Satur­day night telly.

Oth­ers seem to take the whole char­ity is­sue as an ex­cuse to drop stan­dards. Take Tameka Emp­son, for ex­am­ple.

The Eas­tEn­ders ac­tress (she plays Kim Fox) was sup­posed to be a judge but could barely string a sen­tence to­gether. The best she could man­age af­ter each per­for­mance was “I’m speech­less”, which is not ideal for some­one in a role that in­volves... well, speak­ing.

She was like the in­flat­able gui­tar she wielded dur­ing Ricky Hat­ton’s num­ber – a plas­tic gim­mick, puffed up with hot air.

Hat­ton sang Rob­bie Wil­liams’ clas­sic Let Me En­ter­tain You – an ap­pro­pri­ate choice for a boxer be­cause Wil­liams has also been licked in the ring a few times (although he in­sists Jonathan Wilkes is just a good friend).

For the record, co­me­dian Tim Vine de­servedly won the heat while Dean Gaffney and his troupe of fel­low “rest­ing” soap stars were saved by the judge’s vote.

So that’s a dou­ble bless­ing for Gaffney – an­other warm meal and an­other chance to gawp at Claire Sweeney’s shim­my­ing cleav­age.

As if he has not seen enough air bags re­cently.

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