He’s a bit handy in the kitchen!

Midweek Sport - - BATCHELOR ON THE BOX -

GRUE­SOME cop drama

re­turned to BBC1 with a bang. And a squelch.

The squelch came from Ken Barn­aby, a griev­ing dad who mur­dered the in­ter­net “troll” mock­ing the death of his daugh­ter.

When he re­alised cops had found a fin­ger­print at the scene, Ken tried to avoid be­ing de­tected by blitz­ing his hand in­side a kitchen blender.

Ken would do that, I sup­pose?

No, I think it was a KitchenAid.

The bang came from a gen­uinely ter­ri­fy­ing scene in which a se­rial killer bumped off a swanky cou­ple af­ter hid­ing in their roof space.

No love be­tween them. TOP Gear’s Richard Ham­mond told a story about rub­bing his plums in pub­lic af­ter he hit a pot­hole while out rid­ing his mo­tor­bike.

He also sounded like he was rub­bing them while re­view­ing the new Fi­esta ST. FAIR play to Kylie on her con­cise ex­pla­na­tion as to why Peter Bar­low would not be in­ter­ested in Leanne now that he is with new mis­sus Carla.

“Why would you have a di­ges­tive,” she asked, “when you have a cus­tard cream at home?”

Good point. But why stop there with the bis­cuit metaphors? Surely ev­ery woman on the cob­bles has an equal in­side the cookie jar.

Tracy would be a cracker – she goes with any­thing and spreads eas­ily.

Rita would be a ginger snap – for the colour of her hair and the sound of her hip go­ing again. Hay­ley would be a some­thing with nuts. Les­bian So­phie would be a KitKat – she comes with two fin­gers or four.

And Gail would be....well, any­thing re­ally. As long as it is not Nice.

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