Pastures new for modern parents and their stupid f***ing meadows
A DIVISION of Singapore Airlines has started offering flyers the chance to pay a little extra to sit in a cabin with no children.
For a tenner, passengers flying on Scoot have the option to travel “in peace and quiet” – as under 12s will be “elsewhere”.
This is the best idea since sliced bread.
I subscribe to the rule of thumb that your own kids are fantastic but everyone else’s are just a tremendous pain in the arse.
Flying is stressful enough without having a youngster wriggling around in the seat next to you while its parent does precisely bugger-all to shut it up.
This “no kids zone” idea should be extended to trains, too.
I once had the misfortune to be travelling back from London Euston alongside the embodiment of Viz magazine’s Modern Parents.
Tarquin and Jemima were dressed in hemp and before we’d even left the station their organic picnic was being unleashed upon their two little ’uns, who clearly didn’t want any of it.
As the train finally moved, so the crying began. And so did Tarquin’s parenting skills.
And they consisted entirely of him singing, “One man went to mow, went to mow a meadow, one man, two man, and his dog, went to mow a mea-dow…”
Followed an even louder “KNOCK” as he playfully tapped the child’s head.
“One man, two man, three man, four…” ALL the way to Liverpool. Really. I think we managed to get up into the f***ing thousands of f***ing men going to mow the f***ing meadow by the time we reached Lime Street.
As we alighted I was ready to bite things. Preferably a man’s throat. Although I believe there are laws against these things so I decided to play it safe.
But what biological mistake happens to some parents who genuinely believe their offspring are the single most entertaining thing on the planet?
No matter how many men went to mow that bastard meadow, it made not a single jot of difference. The kid cried the whole way.
Just like with so-called dangerous dogs, you can’t blame the kids. They’re bored and restless.
Instead of giving them rice crackers and wheat germ cookies, give the little c**ts chocolate and Wotsits and save the rest of us from listening to them. THERE are very good reasons for not sending British troops into war-torn Syria – namely Libya, Iraq and Afghanistan.
That said, ruler Bashar al-Assad’s use of chemical warfare against his own people is disgraceful.
The Ministry of Defence costs us £37 billion a year. Can’t we afford just one bullet for him?