Celebrity car crash TV…YOU just HAVE to watch!
DO you remember going to the theme park as a kid, all excited about the new ride being advertised, only to discover it was one of the old ones with a new name and a lick of paint?
“What a bunch of c***s!” you would think.
Well, welcome to Celebrity Big Brother 2013 – and a whole new bunch of c***s. Sorry, I mean “cults”.
The big gimmick for this C5 series is “The Cult of Celebrity”, a secret room in which three of the contestants dwell.
Now, you might think that sounds rather similar to the Secret Bedsit of Series 5, the Secret Garden of Series 6, the House Next Door of Series 7, or any number of other secret chamber “twists”.
But don’t worry. This one boasts tinfoil capes and a funny name – so it must be entirely different!
It is a shame the producers have resorted to such cheap tricks because this CBB could work on its strong cast alone.
The three cult members are all inspired choices: lisping hag-fag Louie Spence is not afraid to mix things up, while ex-model Sophie Anderton is already starting to get on everyone’s tits.
“Believe it or not I can be quite boring!” she boasted in her entry tape. We believe you, Soph!
But pick of the bunch is creepy ladyboy Lauren Harries, who has already been described by her housemates as “a real character”.
Which loosely translates as “repulsive, attention-seeking, talentless no-mark but we are too afraid of a Twitter backlash from the easily-offended and all too frighteningly well-organised transgendered community to say so”.
Other train wrecks-in-waiting include fragile ex- Corrie actor Bruce Jones, the Irish Katie Hopkins (you Google her name if you like, I can’t be fecked) and gobby Charlotte Crosby, from Geordie Shore.
“I feel like I know Charlotte as well as her gynaecologist does,” said host Emma Willis.
That seemed like a bold claim so I tried to contact him for comment. Sadly, he fell up there during the last examination and is awaiting rescue via that tube they used for those Chilean miners.
As for Big Ron, I have to confess that I thought the CBB team had dropped a bollock by failing to put any black housemates alongside him, to test his “I’m not racist” claims.
As it happens, Big Ron does not require an actual ethnic minority to prompt an offensive comment. An Irish bird with a jumper on her head will do.
So I apologise. The producers called it right, the clever little cults – and this rollercoaster ride might just be worth the wait.
CLEVER CULTS: CBB bosses have got it right