Celebrity car crash TV…YOU just HAVE to watch!

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

DO you re­mem­ber go­ing to the theme park as a kid, all ex­cited about the new ride be­ing ad­ver­tised, only to dis­cover it was one of the old ones with a new name and a lick of paint?

“What a bunch of c***s!” you would think.

Well, wel­come to Celebrity Big Brother 2013 – and a whole new bunch of c***s. Sorry, I mean “cults”.

The big gim­mick for this C5 se­ries is “The Cult of Celebrity”, a se­cret room in which three of the con­tes­tants dwell.

Now, you might think that sounds rather sim­i­lar to the Se­cret Bed­sit of Se­ries 5, the Se­cret Gar­den of Se­ries 6, the House Next Door of Se­ries 7, or any num­ber of other se­cret cham­ber “twists”.

But don’t worry. This one boasts tin­foil capes and a funny name – so it must be en­tirely dif­fer­ent!

It is a shame the pro­duc­ers have re­sorted to such cheap tricks be­cause this CBB could work on its strong cast alone.

The three cult mem­bers are all in­spired choices: lisp­ing hag-fag Louie Spence is not afraid to mix things up, while ex-model So­phie An­der­ton is al­ready start­ing to get on ev­ery­one’s tits.

“Be­lieve it or not I can be quite bor­ing!” she boasted in her en­try tape. We be­lieve you, Soph!

But pick of the bunch is creepy la­dy­boy Lauren Har­ries, who has al­ready been de­scribed by her house­mates as “a real char­ac­ter”.

Which loosely trans­lates as “re­pul­sive, at­ten­tion-seek­ing, tal­ent­less no-mark but we are too afraid of a Twit­ter back­lash from the eas­ily-of­fended and all too fright­en­ingly well-or­gan­ised trans­gen­dered com­mu­nity to say so”.

Other train wrecks-in-wait­ing in­clude frag­ile ex- Cor­rie ac­tor Bruce Jones, the Ir­ish Katie Hop­kins (you Google her name if you like, I can’t be fecked) and gobby Char­lotte Crosby, from Ge­ordie Shore.

“I feel like I know Char­lotte as well as her gy­nae­col­o­gist does,” said host Emma Willis.

That seemed like a bold claim so I tried to con­tact him for comment. Sadly, he fell up there dur­ing the last ex­am­i­na­tion and is await­ing res­cue via that tube they used for those Chilean min­ers.

As for Big Ron, I have to con­fess that I thought the CBB team had dropped a bol­lock by fail­ing to put any black house­mates along­side him, to test his “I’m not racist” claims.

As it hap­pens, Big Ron does not re­quire an ac­tual eth­nic mi­nor­ity to prompt an of­fen­sive comment. An Ir­ish bird with a jumper on her head will do.

So I apol­o­gise. The pro­duc­ers called it right, the clever lit­tle cults – and this roller­coaster ride might just be worth the wait.

CLEVER CULTS: CBB bosses have got it right

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