Laughs? Dap­per has me in tears

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

Take Phil and Sharon on EastEn­ders, for ex­am­ple. They live in London, which has a pop­u­la­tion of just 10 mil­lion.

So clearly they had lit­tle choice but to em­ploy Shirley to hand out the boiled bunny vol-au-vents and pints of bit­ter(ness) at their wed­ding re­cep­tion.

Oh well, I sup­pose you might get away with it. As long as the groom does not do any­thing stupid, like give said bunny-boiler an old-times­sake leg-over three days be­fore the big... whoops, too late.

With Phil and Sharon’s pasts, this wed­ding was al­ways go­ing to be con­tro­ver­sial.

It was the sort of do where the vicar asks any­one with any ob­jec­tions to take a ticket and Daniel O’Reilly) is one of the first so­cial me­dia stars to break into main­stream me­dia.

Trans­la­tion: you’ve never heard of him but mil­lions of kids follow him on Twit­ter, caus­ing the TV com­pa­nies to crap them­selves.

He styles him­self as a di­a­mond geezer, a ladies’ man, a prankster. In fact, he is a stone cold c**t.

The first episode saw him sent to Coven­try. Not in the sense of be­ing ig­nored by ev­ery­one (more’s the pity), but he was ac­tu­ally sent to the city of Coven­try, where he met a strange but like­able cove called Ricky, who has his own unique style and whim­si­cal view of the world.

Nat­u­rally, Dap­per’s task was to help Ricky erase this in­di­vid­u­al­ity and be­come an iden­tikit c**t, like his mates.

Ricky has a prank tat­too which reads: “I love cock.”

Never mind, it could be worse. It could say “I love cock­ney twats like Dap­per Laughs”. come to the pul­pit when their num­ber is called.

Lit­tle won­der that Shirley opted for more di­rect ac­tion. At first it seemed she was go­ing to shoot Phil from an up­stairs win­dow of the Vic as the happy cou­ple ar­rived back at the Square on a horse-drawn cart.

Sadly, she de­cided not to take a shot. Oh well, there’s a first time for ev­ery­thing,

It was not clear why Shirley didn’t pull the trig­ger. Pos­si­bly be­cause she didn’t want to star­tle the big mare with the glossy mane. Or “Sharon”, as she prefers to be called.

Stupid

But I re­ally wish she had done, for two rea­sons.

Firstly, be­cause we would not have had to sit through the rest of the plot.

Se­condly, be­cause the con­spir­acy the­o­rists could have had years of fun ar­gu­ing that Phil was ac­tu­ally killed by a bul­let fired from the grassy knoll.

In­stead, her son Deano talked Shirley out of do­ing some­thing stupid. Iron­i­cally, he then did some­thing stupid him­self – namely leav­ing the gun in the kitchen, where Shirley can pick it up again.

Whether she does, and who she points it at, has yet to be re­vealed.

Oh yes, I’m afraid it ain’t over yet. This wed­ding re­cep­tion is go­ing to drag on even longer than a real one.

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