Fat’s how to do wed­dings

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The Kitchen

is made by the My Big Beau­ti­ful Wed­ding Dress

My Big Fat

Wed­ding Dress,

Ap­par­ently this is ev­i­dence of a na­tional con­spir­acy to make fat women feel bad about them­selves – and noth­ing at all to do with the re­al­i­ties of mod­ern cap­i­tal­ism.

Who knew fat girls were so para­noid? I as­sumed they like to eat chips, not carry a sack­ful on each shoul­der.

Any­way, ev­ery­thing is OK now be­cause this shop has opened in a con­verted barn (make your own jokes) in Es­sex.

It is run by two pleas­ant plumpers who aim to make ev­ery cus­tomer look like a Princess. An Austin Princess.

“This is our lit­tle slice of heaven,” said one of them – who looks like she has never had a lit­tle slice of any­thing in her life.

To be fair, they clearly love their work and their blush­ing brides look ab­so­lutely stun­ning.

By which I mean if one sat on you, you’d def­i­nitely be stunned.

TULISA made a sur­prise re­turn to

as a men­tor in Ber­muda, where she emerged from the sea in a white bikini.

She was ob­vi­ously try­ing to look like Ur­sula An­dress in clas­sic Bond flick

So it was a pity that her badly Botoxed face made her look more like Nick Nack from IF was not orig­i­nally called

I’ll eat my hat. Well, I would do but some of the lasses on this BBC1 doc­u­men­tary might have eaten it first.

It was set in a wed­ding dress shop for mor­bidly obese brides, who ap­par­ently strug­gle to find dresses to fit them in nor­mal wed­ding shops.

Un­less, of course, mar­quee hire place.

it’s

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