Oh Brother, it’s money for old grope!

Midweek Sport - - BATCHELOR ON THE BOX -

ARSE­gate. Mor­ley­gate.

Celebrity Big Brother has kicked off with more gates than a max­i­mum se­cu­rity loony bin – which is pre­cisely where at least a cou­ple of this year’s in­take be­long.

It is clas­sic car crash tele­vi­sion. And the first ma­jor prang saw the model Chloe Good­man’s airbag de­ployed.

That was Boob­gate. Chloe had gone to help tipsy Yank ac­tor Jeremy Jack­son as he puked in the toi­let and – know­ing how chicks dig the taste of vomit on a barely con­scious man – he thought she might be on the pull.

Boob­gate

and

So he opened her robe for a quick peek at the, ahem, “dairy room”.

At best he thought she’d re­spond in kind. At worst, she’d do noth­ing and at least he’d have some ma­te­rial for a quick Jack­son FiveKnuckle Shuf­fle.

Sadly for Jezza, he’d not reck­oned on the most likely re­sult: Chloe storm­ing straight out and blow­ing the whis­tle.

Oh yes, the whis­tle is def­i­nitely NOT what he thought she might blow. When con­fronted with ev­i­dence of a sex­ual as­sault, the pro­duc­tion team took the only log­i­cal course of ac­tion: they used it for a mas­sive pub­lic­ity bo­nanza.

Once they had used him to drive up rat­ings, Chan­nel 5 kicked Jack­son off the show.

Nor­mally that would put an end to the drama but luck­ily this year we still have Ken Mor­ley,

Or, to put it another way, you buy one nutjob, you get one free. I SAY YOU BUY ONE NUTJOB, YOU GET ONE FREE!

The for­mer Cor­rie star comes across as a racist, creepy, wom­an­hat­ing, short-tem­pered knob­head, and he only lasted a few days longer than Jezza be­fore get­ting the chop this week.

Nat­u­rally, he in­sists that this is all an act, de­signed to speed his exit from the house. Per­haps there will be some peo­ple who be­lieve he is that good an ac­tor. But there will cer­tainly be many oth­ers who re­mem­ber him from Corona­tion Street.

Ei­ther way, I’m strap­ping in for a bumpy ride. This one is go­ing to get rougher than Ali­cia Dou­vall with­out make-up. CBBOOB: Chloe is con­soled, while Ken gets boot

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