Come on ITV, Get Your Act Together!
RIGHT, that does it. Get me David Cameron, Sir Bob Geldof and the Pope on the phone.
Because I’ve just watched new ITV show Get Your Act Together – and I’m declaring a national MULHERNGENCY.
Catchphrase, Big Star’s Little Star, Sunday Side Up – how many more turds will the talented and likeable host Stephen Mulhern be forced to polish before we stand up and say ‘enough is enough’? TOUGH ACT: Stephen Mulhern interesting enough to carry a whole series.
Instead they are swept off the meeting room floor and stuffed into one show under that catch-all term “variety”.
What a treat for the viewers, eh?
Roll up, folks, and watch a man who bills himself as “one of the world’s top plate-spinners” – yeah, ’cos that’s a really crowded field, mate – teaching his craft to the former Corrie actress Sherrie Hewson.
Marvel as the model Danielle Lloyd learns to bounce up and down in the company of four men – not one of whom, to be fair, is a professional footballer.
Gasp as ex-Westlife crooner Bryan McFadden struggles to wriggle out of a tight-fitting garment (no, not a mediumsized T-shirt but a straightjacket.)
And thrill as the Scouse entertainer Ray Quinn wins the heat with an uncanny impersonation of the Scouse entertainer John Bishop. What a stretch!
Get Your Act Together should be an absolute stinker of a show but Mulhern’s charm and wit elevate it to mere pong.
How he gets this crap while boring beanpole Vernon Kay gets Splash! is a mystery.
We need to get him airlifted to a safe place – something funny on BBC1, ideally – asap. So come on Mr Cameron. Dot dot dot. Dash dash dash. Dot dot dot.
It is time Stephen! to Save Our