The Tory fes­ti­val sounds like the worst thing ever



If you thought the sham­bolic mud bath that was last month’s y Not fes­ti­val was bad, then just wait un­til you hear about the lat­est ad­di­tion to the uk’s fes­ti­val cal­en­dar. Sin­is­terly pre­ceded by a har­row­ing pic­ture of David Cameron quaffing the blood of the poor and smok­ing their ground-up bones (ok, ok, maybe it was just wine and a Marl­boro Light, but who re­ally knows?) at Wilder­ness fes­ti­val over the week­end, news reaches us that the Con­ser­va­tive Party are set­ting up their very own bash.

Mid-nor­folk MP Ge­orge free­man is the man be­hind the plan, tak­ing to twit­ter to ex­claim: “Why shld the left have all the fun at fes­ti­vals?” ev­i­dently he saw just how many LOLZ were to be had at Glas­ton­bury and de­cided that he wanted to have cider-soz­zled lads singing his name at the tops of their voices while they waited for their Goan fish curry and henna tat­toos of Jeremy Cor­byn’s face. Can’t blame him, re­ally.

Since putting his shout-out on­line, free­man has raised over £25,000 to help put on the event, which he de­scribes as a “cross be­tween hay-on-wye and the Lat­i­tude fes­ti­val”. ex­cept, we as­sume, much less fun than ei­ther. the only bright side to such an event would be the slim chance that Kate Bush – who was re­cently outed as right-wing – might show up and play a se­cret 2am set on the Mar­garet thatcher stage, but aside from that it sounds like hell on earth. or at the very least, hell in the home coun­ties.

Pitched as an ‘ideas fest’, we can only imag­ine what kind of dark­ness awaits pun­ters as they slide their hunter wellies over their red trousers and start off the day with some pri­vately funded yoga, be­fore a lunch of port and lob­ster and a panel dis­cus­sion about the best ways to well and truly bury the wel­fare state. the evenings would be ded­i­cated to down­ing gi­ant fish­bowl cock­tails im­ported di­rectly from Mahiki, while all your favourite tory mu­si­cians – from Gary Bar­low to er, Gary Bar­low – play var­i­ous per­mu­ta­tions of ‘God Save the Queen’. Luck­ily, the in­au­gu­ral event, set for later this year, is go­ing to be lim­ited to just a cou­ple of hun­dred peo­ple, so there’s lit­tle chance that you’ll ac­ci­den­tally end up there af­ter tak­ing a wrong turn on the way to Bes­ti­val.

even so, be wary about what tick­ets you end up book­ing for 2018. the Con­ser­va­tive Party al­ready seem hell­bent on hav­ing their wicked way with our health ser­vice and the education sys­tem – please don’t let them have our fes­ti­vals as well. @leoniemay­cooper

“We can only imag­ine what dark­ness awaits”

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