Find­ing the Pos­i­tives of So­cial Me­dia

No.1 colum­nist win­ner, Gail Turner, rem­i­nisces about a crazy wed­ding

No. 1 Magazine - - WEDDINGS -

Iam not a fan of so­cial me­dia. Don’t get me wrong, back in the day when it was all new and ex­cit­ing I loved get­ting in touch with peo­ple and see­ing what was hap­pen­ing in their lives. Then it all changed for me. I re­alised most of the 365 so-called friends I’d ac­cu­mu­lated over the years I either didn’t re­ally know, never wanted to know or wished I didn’t know. Most of them were nosy, key­board stalk­ers with no life of their own out­with a com­puter screen. One night an old work col­league added me as a friend. Out of my own in­quis­i­tive mind I wanted to see what she was up to nowa­days. Not much re­ally her wall was filled with quotes of life, meals she had eaten and a video of her son play­ing the vi­o­lin, which was rem­i­nis­cent of a cat be­ing stran­gled un­der­wa­ter. We had been good friends, but that was 25 years ago and we had all moved on in life. How­ever out the blue she in­vited us to her wed­ding. The hubby was not happy about go­ing but I felt bad say­ing no. So the day ar­rived, 300 quid later on out­fits and a present.. We ar­rive at the church to be greeted by the min­is­ter who had long hair and a bad limp. He pushed by and said, ‘just get­ting my lunch out the car.’ We looked at each other and went into the church. We of course were early, like 20 min­utes early, so we sat down next to a man with a patch on his eye and his daugh­ter had a cast on her leg. The Great One whis­pered, “Were we to dress as pi­rates.” I drew him a look. What I failed to say was this church was not in the best of ar­eas and be­side an ar­cade. So five min­utes be­fore the bride ap­peared, two guests came in car­ry­ing a life size Scooby Doo that they have just won across the road. Never bat­ting an eyelid, they sat down with Scooby in the mid­dle. One of the brides­maids then ap­peared all flus­tered ask­ing if any­one had a han­kie. I came to the res­cue as I cater for all emer­gen­cies in my hand­bag. She then asked if I could go help the bride’s mum. I replied, “eh yes”. My hus­band looked at me with dag­gers as I got up. Out­side and the bride’s mum was sob­bing and so I thought I bet­ter as if every­thing was al­right. I said, “Are you okay? It’s such an emo­tional day for you.” Well, she turned around and melted my make-up as she was breath­ing pure al­co­hol. I thought, ‘Oh sweet Mary, she is drunk’. There wasn’t much I could do apart from give her a han­kie and slink back to the church. It was not my prob­lem. As I turned to go in the church, there was the lo­cal gen­try stand­ing jeans on, top off, base­ball cap on back­ward with a shop­ping trol­ley fully of wood. I was be­gin­ning to wish we hadn’t come. The mu­sic started up for the bride and the or­gan­ist started play­ing, ‘Oh I Do Like to be Be­side The Sea­side’ – could this get any worse? Ap­par­ently she wanted Rod Stew­art, ‘We are Sail­ing’ but the or­gan­ist could only re­mem­ber the word ‘sea’ was in­volved in the song. The bride ap­peared and she could hardly get down the aisle, the dress was like an ex­ploded meringue. It took her ten min­utes to reach the al­ter. Oh and I’m for­get­ting to tell you the mother was giv­ing the ‘meringue’ away and as they walked, or stag­gered, down the aisle the dress pushed her over in Del Boy style and she fell in be­tween two pews. The place erupted with mobile phones click­ing and flash­ing and video­ing. Peo­ple were too busy tak­ing pho­tos, tweet­ing and in­sta­gram­ming that most of them missed the cer­e­mony. When we left the church

“Her dress was so big and meringue-like that it pushed her over and she fell, Del-boy style.”

the bride and groom stood on the stairs for pho­to­graphs and pro­duced their own phones to quickly tell the rest of the world via so­cial me­dia they were hus­band and wife. The whole day was spent with peo­ple tak­ing pho­tos of them­selves, pho­tos of the meal, pho­tos of them drunk danc­ing on the ta­ble. Cap­tain Jack Spar­row that was be­side us asked us to film him for a Snapchat. A what?! We got home too tired to talk, so I texted the hubby for a cup of tea. Well tech­nol­ogy does have its uses.

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