Finding the Positives of Social Media
No.1 columnist winner, Gail Turner, reminisces about a crazy wedding
Iam not a fan of social media. Don’t get me wrong, back in the day when it was all new and exciting I loved getting in touch with people and seeing what was happening in their lives. Then it all changed for me. I realised most of the 365 so-called friends I’d accumulated over the years I either didn’t really know, never wanted to know or wished I didn’t know. Most of them were nosy, keyboard stalkers with no life of their own outwith a computer screen. One night an old work colleague added me as a friend. Out of my own inquisitive mind I wanted to see what she was up to nowadays. Not much really her wall was filled with quotes of life, meals she had eaten and a video of her son playing the violin, which was reminiscent of a cat being strangled underwater. We had been good friends, but that was 25 years ago and we had all moved on in life. However out the blue she invited us to her wedding. The hubby was not happy about going but I felt bad saying no. So the day arrived, 300 quid later on outfits and a present.. We arrive at the church to be greeted by the minister who had long hair and a bad limp. He pushed by and said, ‘just getting my lunch out the car.’ We looked at each other and went into the church. We of course were early, like 20 minutes early, so we sat down next to a man with a patch on his eye and his daughter had a cast on her leg. The Great One whispered, “Were we to dress as pirates.” I drew him a look. What I failed to say was this church was not in the best of areas and beside an arcade. So five minutes before the bride appeared, two guests came in carrying a life size Scooby Doo that they have just won across the road. Never batting an eyelid, they sat down with Scooby in the middle. One of the bridesmaids then appeared all flustered asking if anyone had a hankie. I came to the rescue as I cater for all emergencies in my handbag. She then asked if I could go help the bride’s mum. I replied, “eh yes”. My husband looked at me with daggers as I got up. Outside and the bride’s mum was sobbing and so I thought I better as if everything was alright. I said, “Are you okay? It’s such an emotional day for you.” Well, she turned around and melted my make-up as she was breathing pure alcohol. I thought, ‘Oh sweet Mary, she is drunk’. There wasn’t much I could do apart from give her a hankie and slink back to the church. It was not my problem. As I turned to go in the church, there was the local gentry standing jeans on, top off, baseball cap on backward with a shopping trolley fully of wood. I was beginning to wish we hadn’t come. The music started up for the bride and the organist started playing, ‘Oh I Do Like to be Beside The Seaside’ – could this get any worse? Apparently she wanted Rod Stewart, ‘We are Sailing’ but the organist could only remember the word ‘sea’ was involved in the song. The bride appeared and she could hardly get down the aisle, the dress was like an exploded meringue. It took her ten minutes to reach the alter. Oh and I’m forgetting to tell you the mother was giving the ‘meringue’ away and as they walked, or staggered, down the aisle the dress pushed her over in Del Boy style and she fell in between two pews. The place erupted with mobile phones clicking and flashing and videoing. People were too busy taking photos, tweeting and instagramming that most of them missed the ceremony. When we left the church
“Her dress was so big and meringue-like that it pushed her over and she fell, Del-boy style.”
the bride and groom stood on the stairs for photographs and produced their own phones to quickly tell the rest of the world via social media they were husband and wife. The whole day was spent with people taking photos of themselves, photos of the meal, photos of them drunk dancing on the table. Captain Jack Sparrow that was beside us asked us to film him for a Snapchat. A what?! We got home too tired to talk, so I texted the hubby for a cup of tea. Well technology does have its uses.