What even are num­bers any­way?



Num­bers: do you un­der­stand them? Do you re­ally? Per­haps you think you do. The Spy main­tains no such il­lu­sions. Years of speed­ing along the videogame ru­mour high­way will quickly di­vest you of the no­tion that the curly pic­tograms we put next to the names of shoot­ers mean any­thing at all. Do you re­mem­ber how Bat­tle­field 1, com­fort­ably the 15th Bat­tle­field game in the se­ries, was called ‘ Bat­tle­field 1’? Ru­mour has it that the 16th Bat­tle­field game, likely to be called

‘ Bat­tle­field 5’, is in devel­op­ment at DICE un­der the pro­duc­tion name ‘ Bat­tle­field 2’.

There’s al­ready a game called Bat­tle­field 2, of course: it was the third Bat­tle­field game. It was called Bat­tle­field 2 to dif­fer­en­ti­ate it from Bat­tle­field 1942, the first Bat­tle­field game, which was set dur­ing World War II – ac­tu­ally some­thing like the 12th multi con­ti­nen­tal con­flict in hu­man his­tory (but who’s count­ing). Any­way: the first Bat­tle­field 2 was set in the mod­ern day, by which The Spy means 2005. This new Bat­tle­field 2, which is ac­tu­ally called Bat­tle­field 5, is very likely go­ing to be set in World War II.

The Spy sus­pects that what EA are en­gaged in here is not an act of se­quen­tial videogame or­der­ing but some­thing closer to cryp­to­min­ing. When the end­less string of non­sense Bat­tle­field num­bers fi­nally re­solves it­self, it could fur­nish EA CEO Andrew Wil­son in Bit­Coin yields worth as much as four (4) pence!

Let us re­treat to the com­fort of the Clan­cy­verse, where mil­i­tary shooter se­quels are given sen­si­ble ap­pel­la­tions like ‘ Pan­dora To­mor­row’ and ‘ Rogue Spear’. Rene­gade Ama­zon listings sug­gest that a new Splin­ter Cell – for now called ‘ Splin­ter Cell 2018’ - is on its way. Don’t fear: this isn’t a FIFA game. ‘2018’ won’t stick. It’ll be called Splin­ter Cell: Ob­sid­ian Pa­paya or some­thing. That said, The Divi­sion 2 is just called ‘ The Divi­sion 2’, which is rather dis­ap­point­ing.

Bath­tub and be­yond

Screech! Did you hear that? It’s the sound of The Spy’s sleek ni­tro-pow­ered Seg­way abruptly shift­ing lanes as we con­tinue our jour­ney along the videogame ru­mour high­way – and what’s this! There’s ev­i­dence that Ger­alt of Rivia may be branch­ing out be­yond The Witcher se­ries to ex­plore other projects (be­yond, ob­vi­ously, his star­ring role in the PC Gamer bath­tub joke that won’t die).

The Big G.o.R. ¬ as he is known un­der his hip-hop im­print – will re­port­edly be mak­ing a cameo ap­pear­ance in Soul­cal­ibur VI, the fan­tasy fight­ing game that is fi­nally ar­riv­ing on PC later this year. Soul­cal­ibur has a long his­tory of fea­tur­ing spe­cial guests when­ever it ar­rives on a new plat­form: pre­vi­ous guests in­clude Halo’s Mas­ter Chief, God of War’s Kratos, and The Leg­end of Zelda’s Link. Sil­ver sword-wield­ing Ger­alt seems like a solid choice to rep­re­sent the PC in that pan­theon.

Is he the best choice, how­ever? The Spy sub­mits that Gor­don Free­man, Corvo At­tano, Adam Jensen, Guy­brush Three­p­wood, Gandhi from Civ­i­liza­tion II and the big gold face from the end of Spelunky have all been robbed. If we must start point­less Change.org pe­ti­tions about any­thing, reader, let it be this. Ger­alt has had his time in the sun (and, in­deed, his time in the bath). Let’s not rest un­til Guy­brush Three­p­wood in­sult-sword­fights a flam­ing anime sa­mu­rai. Spy out.

If we must start point­less change.org pe­ti­tions about any­thing, let it be this

The Spy The Spy went big on crypto be­fore it was cool. So ‘now’, then.

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