What even are numbers anyway?
BUT WHO WATCHES THE SPY?
Numbers: do you understand them? Do you really? Perhaps you think you do. The Spy maintains no such illusions. Years of speeding along the videogame rumour highway will quickly divest you of the notion that the curly pictograms we put next to the names of shooters mean anything at all. Do you remember how Battlefield 1, comfortably the 15th Battlefield game in the series, was called ‘ Battlefield 1’? Rumour has it that the 16th Battlefield game, likely to be called
‘ Battlefield 5’, is in development at DICE under the production name ‘ Battlefield 2’.
There’s already a game called Battlefield 2, of course: it was the third Battlefield game. It was called Battlefield 2 to differentiate it from Battlefield 1942, the first Battlefield game, which was set during World War II – actually something like the 12th multi continental conflict in human history (but who’s counting). Anyway: the first Battlefield 2 was set in the modern day, by which The Spy means 2005. This new Battlefield 2, which is actually called Battlefield 5, is very likely going to be set in World War II.
The Spy suspects that what EA are engaged in here is not an act of sequential videogame ordering but something closer to cryptomining. When the endless string of nonsense Battlefield numbers finally resolves itself, it could furnish EA CEO Andrew Wilson in BitCoin yields worth as much as four (4) pence!
Let us retreat to the comfort of the Clancyverse, where military shooter sequels are given sensible appellations like ‘ Pandora Tomorrow’ and ‘ Rogue Spear’. Renegade Amazon listings suggest that a new Splinter Cell – for now called ‘ Splinter Cell 2018’ - is on its way. Don’t fear: this isn’t a FIFA game. ‘2018’ won’t stick. It’ll be called Splinter Cell: Obsidian Papaya or something. That said, The Division 2 is just called ‘ The Division 2’, which is rather disappointing.
Bathtub and beyond
Screech! Did you hear that? It’s the sound of The Spy’s sleek nitro-powered Segway abruptly shifting lanes as we continue our journey along the videogame rumour highway – and what’s this! There’s evidence that Geralt of Rivia may be branching out beyond The Witcher series to explore other projects (beyond, obviously, his starring role in the PC Gamer bathtub joke that won’t die).
The Big G.o.R. ¬ as he is known under his hip-hop imprint – will reportedly be making a cameo appearance in Soulcalibur VI, the fantasy fighting game that is finally arriving on PC later this year. Soulcalibur has a long history of featuring special guests whenever it arrives on a new platform: previous guests include Halo’s Master Chief, God of War’s Kratos, and The Legend of Zelda’s Link. Silver sword-wielding Geralt seems like a solid choice to represent the PC in that pantheon.
Is he the best choice, however? The Spy submits that Gordon Freeman, Corvo Attano, Adam Jensen, Guybrush Threepwood, Gandhi from Civilization II and the big gold face from the end of Spelunky have all been robbed. If we must start pointless Change.org petitions about anything, reader, let it be this. Geralt has had his time in the sun (and, indeed, his time in the bath). Let’s not rest until Guybrush Threepwood insult-swordfights a flaming anime samurai. Spy out.
If we must start pointless change.org petitions about anything, let it be this
The Spy The Spy went big on crypto before it was cool. So ‘now’, then.