We could spend this time together, dear reader, examining what’s in the review bag this month. I could explain how Phil has been rampaging through the countryside pretending to be an excitable car, or how Andy has been faffing about in Peru pretending to be part of the jungle. Or even how Austin has been pretending to be a zombie from the future, decked out in armour even Liberace would think was “a bit much” and chatting with his best friend, a floating robotic Ghost. But that would be to ignore a vital piece of late-breaking review news: this lemon tart I bought off a passing dessert trolley is dreadful. Perhaps binge-watching Bake Off has reduced my tolerance for substandard sweets, perhaps the trolley driver owns shares in cornstarch thickener. Whatever the reason I am giving this tart 3%. Sprinkles are worth 3%.