Forgive and regret?
Could you forgive a cheating partner?
When you’re in a happy and healthy relationship, you’re often in a love-filled bubble.
No matter how long you’ve been together and how much life gets in the way, your relationship should feel strong and reliable.
But with the confession or discovery of an affair, that bubble can burst very quickly.
This year, eharmony revealed that a whopping 78% of men and 54% of women were using the excuse of exercise to go out and cheat on their partner.
Although we condemn those who do so, these figures reveal just how prominent cheating is in our society.
But despite the immense pain it brings to a family, many couples choose to work through it.
Look at the famous cases. Sarah Jessica Parker forgave her husband Matthew Broderick after rumours became confirmation in 2008.
And let’s not forget the very public – and three album dropping – affair that Jay-z had behind Beyoncé’s back. When she released
Lemonade in 2016, the public’s hearts broke for her.
But two years later, the pair released their surprise album,
Everything is Love, to show they were stronger than ever.
Only, learning how to forgive and forget, isn’t quite as simple as releasing a knock out album.
Affairs will bring to the surface emotions and feelings that neither party knew were there.
‘Cheating is when you engage in any type of intimate relation with someone else, without the knowledge or consent of your partner, in whom you have an exclusive relationship with,’ Iphie Mottoh, director of sex, intimacy and relationship site, Duchess Secrets (duchesssecrets.com), says.
‘This does not have to be physical to be cheating.
‘If your partner cheats, it is probably one of the most devastating things to happen.
‘You feel lost, hurt, confused and then wanting to either take revenge, leave or stay,’ Iphie states.
People choose to stay in a relationship after an affair or one-night stand for various reasons.
Whether it’s because you want to rebuild your relationship, support the children or simply because you’re working through your emotions, the decision to stay does come with some pros as well as cons. ‘The biggest pro is that forgiving your partner is a huge opportunity to reconnect and start again, maybe even create a better relationship,’ Mig Bennett, relationship, sex and couple’s counsellor, says.
‘In future, you’ll look back and recognise it was a catalyst for growth.’ Choosing to stay is an opportunity for a fresh start together.
It’s a chance to strip back all of life’s business andfocus on your relationship.
‘Staying allows you the opportunity to discuss what went wrong and how to fix it,’ Iphie explains.
‘It gives you the leverage to ensure you both get professional help to overcome the hurt, lack of trust, reasoning’s why and protect the relationship.’
However, just because you stay, it doesn’t make forgiveness automatic and it doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.
‘Forgiving doesn’t mean that it’s been ‘got away with’,’ Mig says.
‘Try to reframe it as setting yourself free from those horrible feelings.
‘As Lewis B Smede says; ‘To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you’.’
Whilst forgiveness is a journey, it’s one you need to be prepared to take.
Choosing not to, but also staying, will only make you more miserable.
With professional help, as a couple, whilst you may never truly understand why it happened, you may be able to get to the cause of your
problems together.
However, whilst choosing to stay after an affair opens the opportunity of a new start, it’s far from an easy process.
‘When choosing to stay, you need to question whether you will be able to be fully available in your relationship going forward,’ Iphie says.
‘This means questioning whether you will be able to love your partner completely in the same way as before the cheating occurred.
‘You may always have trust issues, so anytime your partner says something that doesn’t sit right, you will be transported back to them cheating.
‘You may become possessive and smothering because you want to prevent the cheating from happening again.’
It’s not hard to imagine that even if you choose to stay after an affair that you’re going to be filled with anger and hurt.
‘Your relationship will likely be steeped in unhappiness,’ Mig admits.
‘Low-level anger will seep out in criticism, contempt and defensiveness, potentially for years, and is likely to spawn another infidelity or a breakup further down the line.’
However, with the right help and support, these feelings of anger may begin to fade.
Despite often coming with judgement, choosing to stay is an understandable choice.
However, for it to be a life worth living, the decision needs to be one you’ve made because YOU want it to work.
There’s no magic wand that can make the pain of an affair go away.
It’s something that you and your partner will need to overcome together. ‘You have to be in it completely and not keep referring to the cheating all the time, or else you will find yourself in the vicious cycle of unforgiveness, self-loathing and possible depression,’ Iphie explains.
You may choose to stay together, but realise it was a battle that couldn’t be won and that’s OK, too.
However, sometimes staying together does work.
Whilst it’s unimaginably painful at the time, it may just bring you closer.