No pain, no gain?

With a de­sire to ‘re­shape her sil­hou­ette’, Red’s colum­nist Rosie Green em­barked on three days of sparse eat­ing and body tor­ture. But was it all worth it?

Red - - CONTENTS -

Rosie Green hopes a ‘re­shap­ing’ pro­gramme will fast-track her to slim

The email ar­rived on a day I was feel­ing par­tic­u­larly lumpen. Sender: Henri Chenot Spa, Italy. Sub­ject head­ing: Re­shape your sil­hou­ette and achieve a new bikini body. SOLD! For­get months of slog in the gym, here’s 72 hours to

Mal­ibu Bar­bie, on a lux­ury three-day slim­ming pro­gramme! Where do I sign?

I wanted (slash that, needed) to kick-start a leaner, health­ier me, but was lack­ing the oomph to in­sti­gate any life­style changes on my own. So af­ter some undig­ni­fied beg­ging to Red’s

ed­i­tor, I was hurtling to­wards the glam­orous L’al­bereta Ho­tel, an hour out­side Mi­lan, ac­com­pa­nied by my hus­band, in the hope of com­bin­ing my to­tal body over­haul with a ro­man­tic mini­break.

We checked in and went to din­ner. As my hus­band savoured the bread bas­ket and rel­ished his moz­zarella, fil­let steak and red wine, I ate my calo­rie-con­trolled salad and fish. He left feel­ing sa­ti­ated, but not stuffed (what a skill!) while I felt en­vi­ous and slightly empty.

Back in the room I found the next day’s sched­ule: phys­i­cal ex­am­i­na­tion at 9am, then hy­dro­mas­sage, cel­lulite treat­ments, cry­olipol­y­sis and ‘LED Body’ (nope, me nei­ther). It was at this point that my hus­band, re­al­is­ing my timetable of body tor­ture would ren­der me ab­sent from our ro­man­tic mini­break, de­vised an agenda of his own – morn­ing car­dio ses­sion at the ho­tel gym, cof­fee and pa­pers, work­ing off his sleep debt and back to the res­tau­rant for lunch.

DAY ONE WAS NOT UN-PAINFUL. I was bub­ble-pum­meled, wrapped in mud and plas­tic sheet­ing, and hosed down with a small wa­ter cannon. A me­chan­i­cal cel­lulite mas­sage felt like be­ing at­tacked by a crab with a vendetta, while a suc­tion mas­sage was toe-curlingly painful.

Af­ter­wards I met my hus­band for lunch, a lit­tle bro­ken. Bright eyed and rested, he gloated about his work­out (sweaty, re­ward­ing, en­dor­phin in­duc­ing) and or­dered pasta. I had a small and healthy ver­sion of risotto then rushed back to my pa­per pants, leav­ing him plan­ning a strength train­ing ses­sion in an en­vi­ably self-mo­ti­vated way.

Af­ter lunch came cry­olipol­y­sis, aka fat freez­ing. Con­sid­er­ing this to be a ma­jor treat­ment (more hitech and re­cov­ery can be hard) I de­clined, but did con­cede to LED Body, which used dif­fer­ent wave­lengths of light to tone and re­shape (the treat­ment of choice for Vic­to­ria’s Se­cret an­gels, no less).

Day two was much of the same for both of us. Then on day three, af­ter some fi­nal mud wal­low­ing and hos­ing down, we were on our way back to the air­port, pon­der­ing the trip. Although I felt lighter and cleaner, in re­al­ity the only pounds I’d lost were in ster­ling*. While my hus­band, who’d lis­tened to his body, done ex­actly what he pleased and thor­oughly en­joyed his eat/sleep/gym re­peat cy­cle, looked great and had dropped five pounds. There’s a les­son in that…

*If you had pounds to lose and ate ‘Chenot’ for seven nights you would lose weight. Fact.

The Slim­ming Pro­gramme costs from around £2,100 per per­son in a dou­ble room, for a min­i­mum two nights; Al­bereta.it/en/ho­tel

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So what’s the key to re­shap­ing your sil­hou­ette?

Rosie, be­low, em­barked on a three-day slim­ming pro­gramme at L’al­bereta Ho­tel in Italy

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