Brexit: not eggs-actly straight­for­ward

South Wales Echo - - Gary Bainbridge - One man’s strug­gle with the 21st cen­tury. Fol­low Gary on Twit­ter @Gary_Bain­bridge or email him at gary.bain­bridge@trin­i­tymir­ GARY BAIN­BRIDGE

IDO hate to bang on about Brexit, but it’s nearly here and we’re still no closer to know­ing what it’s go­ing to be like. Ob­vi­ously, we can make an ed­u­cated guess based on facts, but half the pop­u­la­tion (or less than half these days, given that 1.3m of the Brexit elec­torate has died, to be re­placed by even more young peo­ple) has de­cided that facts aren’t as im­por­tant as feel­ings.

For ex­am­ple, it doesn’t mat­ter that the UK was al­ways sovereign, and al­ways had the power to walk away from the EU, be­cause it didn’t FEEL like it was.

But the fact is, no­body ac­tu­ally knows, not for sure, not even the Govern­ment. If you in­ter­viewed the Govern­ment for a job and asked them where they thought they’d be in five years’ time, they couldn’t an­swer you with any sort of con­vic­tion. In a fair world, some of them would ac­tu­ally have a con­vic­tion.

The only thing we do know is that the peo­ple who have been press­ing hard­est for Brexit are obsessed with cakes. The former For­eign Sec­re­tary was con­vinced in pub­lic that we could “have our cake and eat it”. John Red­wood, the per­fectly nor­mal former Welsh Sec­re­tary, talked about mak­ing our own cakes in­stead of help­ing other coun­tries with their cakes. And UKIP is full of fruit­cakes.

So I have de­cided to ex­plain the Brexit process through the medium of cakes.

Leaver: I want an omelette. Re­mainer: Right. it’s just we haven’t got any eggs.

Leaver: Yes, we have. There they are. (He points at a cake.) Re­mainer: They’re in the cake. Leaver: Yes, get them out of the cake, please. Re­mainer: But we voted in 1974 to put them into a cake. Leaver: Yes, but that cake has got ic­ing on it. No­body said there was go­ing to be ic­ing on it. Re­mainer: Ic­ing is good.

Leaver: And there are raisins in it. I don’t like raisins. No­body men­tioned raisins. I de­mand an­other vote. (David Cameron en­ters.)

David Cameron: OK.

(David Cameron scarpers.)

Leaver: Right, where’s my omelette? Re­mainer: I told you, the eggs are in the cake. Leaver: Well, get them out.

EU: It’s our cake. (Jeremy Cor­byn en­ters.)

Jeremy Cor­byn: Yes, get them out now.

Re­mainer: I have ab­so­lutely no idea how to get them out. Don’t you know how to get them out? Leaver: Yes! You just get them out and then you make an omelette. Re­mainer: But how?! Didn’t you give this any thought?

Leaver: Sabo­teur! You’re talk­ing eggs down.

Theresa May: It’s OK, I can do it. Re­mainer: How?

Theresa May: There was a vote to re­move the eggs from the cake, and so the eggs will be re­moved from the cake.

Re­mainer: Yeah, but...

Leaver: Hang on, if we take the eggs out of the cake, does that mean we don’t have any cake? I didn’t say I didn’t want the cake.

EU: It’s our cake.

Re­mainer: But you can’t take the eggs out of the cake and then still have a cake.

Leaver: You can. I saw the lat­est bake off and you can def­i­nitely make cakes with­out eggs in them. It’s just that they’re hor­ri­ble.

Re­mainer: Fine. Take the eggs out. See what hap­pens.

Leaver: It’s not my re­spon­si­bil­ity to take the eggs out. Get on with it. Re­mainer: Why should I have to come up with some long-winded in­cred­i­bly dif­fi­cult chem­i­cal process to ex­tract eggs that have bonded at the molec­u­lar level to the cake, while some­how still hav­ing the cake?

Leaver: You lost, get over it. Theresa May: By the way, I’ve started the clock on this.

Re­mainer: So I as­sume you have a plan?

Theresa May: Ac­tu­ally, back in a bit. just hav­ing an­other elec­tion. Re­mainer: Jeremy, are you go­ing to sort this out?

Jeremy Cor­byn: Yes. No. Maybe. EU: It’s our cake.

Leaver: Where’s my omelette? I voted for an omelette.

Re­mainer: This is ridicu­lous. This is never go­ing to work. We should have an­other vote, or at least stop what we’re do­ing un­til we know how to get the eggs out of the cake while keep­ing the bits of the cake that we all like.

Leaver/May/Cor­byn: We had a vote. Stop sab­o­tag­ing the will of the peo­ple. Eg­gsit means eg­gsit.

Re­mainer: Fine. I’m mov­ing to France. The cakes are nicer there. Leaver: You can’t. We’ve taken away your free­dom of move­ment.

The peo­ple press­ing hard­est for Brexit are obsessed with cakes

It’s OK. I’ve got the EU’s cake and we can take our eggs when­ever we want

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