Anarchy in the UK

Getting carried away at a charity ball, three Guns founds themselves paying over the odds for a driven shoot and way out of their depth

They had bought the day at a charity auction. It happens sometimes, when you have had a little too much to drink. The morning after, they couldn’t remember which of them had actually thrown up their arm at the last second and spent way over the odds on three Guns at a driven shoot that sounded impossibly posh. But they had enjoyed the subsequent (ironic) applause and agreed to split the eye watering sum between the three of them. For reasons of matrimonial harmony, no one mentioned it at home. What happens at the Sportsman’s Ball, stays at the Sportsman’s Ball.

The day duly dawned, as did the realisation that they might be way out of their depth when the sat nav of the old pickup directed them through massive wrought iron gates and along a lime tree lined, sweeping driveway. In truth, they were more used to the tradesman’s entrance. Their hosts, it transpired, were Lord and Lady Really Quite Delightful, who tried to make them feel at home and thanked them graciously for their contribution to the cause, before introducing them to their fellow guns, all of whom had double barrelled names, preceded by Earl, Sir or Duke.

The safety chat was brief but firm and ended with a reminder of the strict “no phones” policy, but by then the three were so nervous they were incapable of taking it all in. Their mood was not helped when each drew an odd number, so, with adrenaline surging dangerously, they stumbled to the first drive and took up position between their titled companions. They had done well so far but this is where, almost inevitably, it all unravelled.

The first, John, his gun gripped like a vice and determined to get in the zone by blocking out all but the clear sky in front of him, was facing entirely the wrong way. The second, Ali, completely overcome by cold and fear, just couldn’t hold it together so that, when the first bird appeared directly over him and everyone turned to see him shoot it, he had his flies down and was relieving himself openly. It would remain his most embarrassing moment ever. The third, Dougie, watching the truly appalling situation unfold with utter dread, turned away just in time to catch Lady Really Quite Delightful shaking her head in disbelief and then cringing as his phone rang loudly in his top pocket. “Anarchy in the UK” was an unfortunate choice of ringtone.

The day blown anyway, he answered it to hear his wife painfully squawking that she had just opened the bank statement…

Going, going, gone…