I now see why players suffer depression or get crazy thoughts in their heads. A few weeks ago I was playing in a win at Ibrox but now I’ve not got a club. You feel as though your world has just crashed in SAYS PAUL PATON
The shuttle runs in Linwood will keep you physically fit.
But as Paul Paton is quickly finding out the real challenge is to stay mentally sharp. Because pounding a track alone, with a myriad of negative thoughts swirling around your head, can make it a dark and lonely place at times. Will I get another club? How do I pay the bills? What will I tell my eight-year-old daughter? Those are just some of the questions he has wrestled with in his own mind. On 31 January, Paton was effectively freed by St Johnstone. A Northern Ireland international, he was picked by Michael O’Neill for 11 of his 12 World Cup qualifying squads. He has made 19 appearances in the Scottish Premiership this season, including a start in Saints’ 3-1 win over Rangers in December. To say he was stunned by Tommy Wright ’s decision would be an understatement. And so late in the transfer window it was always going to be tough to find a new club. Now, he’s grafting every day for the next opportunity. And in the 25 days since he left McDiarmid Park he has learned to appreciate the psychological turmoil faced by some of his fellow pros. Just last week, ex-team-mate David Weatherston opened up on the anxiety issues that riddled his career. And with more awareness of mental health – in the wake of former Falkirk and Clyde player Chris Mitchell’s death – Paton now has sympathy for players who plumb the depths of despair. So far, he has managed to keep his feelings in check. But as he weighed up his immediate future, the 30-year-old told MailSport: “I’ve read a lot about players with depression, especially the tragedy with Chris. “David also spoke about the issue of anxiety in footballers. “And for the first time in my career I can actually see that type of thing with a different perspective. “I now understand why boys might get anxious or depressed. I can see why they might get crazy thoughts in their head. “A few months ago I was playing in a victory against Rangers. That was off the back of a World Cup qualifier for Northern Ireland. “Suddenly, I’m without a club. For some boys that’s a lot to take in. You feel as if your world has crashed in. “You have to reassure your family that everything will be fine. I had to tell my daughter that her daddy would be OK. “She has been asking me if we can do certain things because I don’t have a job now. That can be really upsetting and hard to deal with. “I’ve managed not to get too down about it but I can see why some players have really dark thoughts. “You can go from a high to an extreme low in the space of a day. One minute you’re being told you’re brilliant but the next you’re out the door.
“You just don’t get that in other walks of life. It doesn’t happen.”
Paton was left stunned by his St Johnstone exit. Even now he’s struggling to get his head around it, having been initially assured by Wright he’d be part of the Perth squad next term.
In the blink of an eye he was saying goodbye to shocked team-mates and contemplating his next move.
Paton said: “I was in doing my recovery session the day after our Scottish Cup tie on January 30.
“The kitman shouted me upstairs because the manager wanted to speak to me. I thought it would be about my new contract.
“But Wright said things had changed and I wouldn’t be there next season.
“I just sat in shock. He said I could go now if we came to an agreement.
“I don’t know if that was a good decision from me or not.
“But I didn’t feel comfortable staying somewhere I wasn’t wanted.
“It was literally my last day at the club. I was in and then I was away.
“I went back downstairs and told the boys I was off. They couldn’t believe it, there were a lot of surprised faces.
“It was a huge shock to me, the fans, my family and friends. And the fact it was so late in the window killed me.
“The gaffer felt he had to change something at the club and I agreed. I just didn’t think it would be me.”
At this stage of the season, few clubs have the resources to snap up experienced midfielders.
And Paton’s daughter Alex will always be his first priority.
That’s why they were both in tears when a proposed move to Belgium looked to be on the cards. But he has to explore all options now to get his career back on track.
If he doesn’t, Paton’s humble enough tto accept he may have to lay foundations ffor a future beyond his playing days.
He said: “I took a call last week from an agent who said he had a team for me in Belgium. He asked if I could be in Brussels the following night.
“It was a contract to the end of next season. My daughter was in tears because I was leaving her for Belgium.
“My mum was upset, I was getting upset, I was unsure about it all.
“But for whatever reason the move didn’t materialise.
“Everything went quiet and that’s how quickly things change in football.
“If I need to turn my attention to something else between now and the end of the season, it might be something I have to do.
“I have to put building blocks down for the future, maybe away from football.
“When other boys have been doing courses or coaching badges I’ve been away with Northern Ireland.
“Every second I’ve had has been spent with my club, my country or Alex.
“In the next few months I might need to do some of that stuff to ensure this doesn’t happen again.
“If it did, at least I’d be able to go straight back into work.
“Obviously my first choice is to get a club that I really want to play for.
“If it doesn’t happen soon, though, my thought process may change.
“I feel fit and ready to go straight into a first team tomorrow. I might have to go abroad. Every decision I’ve made has been based on Alex.
“Even at Dundee United, I’d travel from Linwood to St Andrews every day because I didn’t want to be away from her. But when you get put in this posit ion you must consider everything.”