UNEARTHS SOME WEEKEND STONKERS... AND STINKERS Put on the big pants, Arsene!

BET that Eden Hazard dictates the shape of today’s Chelsea-Arsenal clash, whether he starts or not.

Hazard (right) is being eased back from injury by Antonio Conte — and that means the will-he won’t-he wand-footed Belgian makes it TWO huge question marks on Arsene Wenger’s chalkboard.

The other, after the vanishing act at Anfield, is how many Gunners will actually turn up at Stamford Bridge in more than name only?

Tactical uncertainty is not a good look for any elite side, but it could be that Arsenal wear it slightly worse than most. They need a foolproof plan.

I’m betting Arsene takes a leaf out of the Bridget Jones Diary of Football Strategies and forgets the lacy allure of sexy football — in favour of a more ‘big pants’ approach.

If the theory holds up, I reckon the ‘time of first goal’ line has been pegged way too low — take the Evens (Paddy) the first goal is scored OVER 24 minutes.

Everton spent much of Thursday night in Italy with their pants down. Any tired minds could be cruelly exposed at Old Trafford in the later kick-off.

You and I might think a schedule of four hours’ graft in four days, with a city break thrown in, would be reason to break out the slim panatellas. But the ThursdaySunday Euroky-cokey can leave a finely tuned footballer a bit mopey. Manchester United have been forced back to the drawing board with the injury to Paul Pogba too. We’re punting in fog. I’ll tickle an ‘anytime scorer’ longshot that should at least provide 90 minutes of possibility. Take the 25/1 (Bet365) about Toffees veteran Phil Jagielka ‘anytime’ – his stats rate him a slightly bigger threat than that price suggests. LAST month I revealed here that Alvaro Morata is ‘no Harry Kane’.

The Chelsea man’s reaction to the news has come as a disappointment.

Morata (left) has — we can only assume deliberately — scored goals in his last three games, and is busy making me look a chump.

The blighter’s an Evens ‘anytime’ poke against Arsenal today. It’s a thin price. He’s no Alexis Sanchez, either. Sanchez is the bet at 21/10 (Paddy), if he starts. THE annual game of Punters’ Cluedo begins for real this midweek as the EFL Cup returns, with knobs on. Will one of the Big Seven incoming suspects make off with the silverware this season? Almost certainly. But who? Will it be Professor Wenger, in the library, with the candlestick of consolation (17/2)? What about the Reverend Klopp (left), in the downstairs lavvy, with the little top hat (10/1)?

Questions, questions — but don’t waste time looking for clues outside the top flight. No-one’s dunnit from there since balls had laces (1991).

It’ll be someone really obvious. And I reckon at 7/1 (Paddy) Chelsea, this case has got the sinister Colonel Conte’s dabs all over it...