AC­TOR Ewan McGre­gor snubs an ap­pear­ance on ITV dirge Good Morn­ing Bri­tain af­ter learn­ing that pro­fes­sional twat Piers Mor­gan is the host.

What a dis­ap­point­ment for the mil­lions of fans who wanted to wit­ness this meet­ing of minds.

Luck­ily, we can recre­ate it by watch­ing the scene from Trainspot­ting in which McGre­gor crawls into a toi­let filled to the brim with hu­man sh* t. FIRMS which tell women to wear high heels should be fined, ac­cord­ing to a re­port by MPs. Quite right too. The idea of telling a woman to wear stilet­tos just be­cause you pay her is ab­so­lutely out­ra­geous. The proper pro­ce­dure, as all good Tory MPs know, is that a woman in spiked heels tells YOU what to do, and then you pay her. TV host Pip Schofield pledges to get a tat­too to cel­e­brate yet another win for This Morn­ing at the Na­tional Tele­vi­sion Awards.

What bet­ter way to re­call a night with the cream of Bri­tish celebrity than invit­ing thou­sands of lit­tle pricks to get un­der your skin?

Piers Mor­gan tried to grab some at­ten­tion on stage by wear­ing a gag but it was Ge­ordie Shore star Marnie Simp­son who stole the show by go­ing knick­er­less be­neath a dar­ing lace dress ( right).

Which just goes to prove my old nan was right when she used to say that “c** ts should be seen and not heard”. RORY McGrath, in­ven­tor of the com­edy- sport­ing panel quiz show, is given a sus­pended jail term for stalk­ing his ex.

And if you thought his ca­reer was all over... MADONNA de­nies re­ports she is con­sid­er­ing adopt­ing more chil­dren from Malawi – de­spite of­fi­cials there claim­ing that she def­i­nitely is.

Surely there’s one easy way to set­tle this war of words: Madge must re­lease cur­rent pic­tures of her newly dec­o­rated house – and then we can see if any new orphans would match the cur­tains and car­pet. IS­LAMIC ji­hadists in Brus­sels plot­ted to kid­nap celebri­ties to ex­change for the own cap­tured fighters, it is claimed.

Pre­sum­ably they jibbed that plan on re­al­is­ing that Poirot is fic­tional and the bloke who wrote Tintin is dead. Still, let’s hope they don’t come over here and cap­ture any of OUR trea­sured celebs. It’ be aw­ful, for ex­am­ple, if they were to tar­get Good Morn­ing Bri­tain’s stu­dios at the Lon­don Tele­vi­sion Cen­tre, SE1 9LT, where Piers Mor­gan nor­mally ar­rives through the main en­trance at ap­prox­i­mately 0530 every week­day. ONCE upon a time in Bri­tain, you be­came fa­mous by writ­ing a hymn, be­ing the first to scale a moun­tain or in­vent­ing peni­cillin. To­day it’s much, much eas­ier… You just flash your TWAT! Ge­ordie Shore babe Marnie Simp­son was hailed as the belle of the Na­tional Tele­vi­sion Awards in Fancy Lon­don last week when she ar­rived in a sheer dress.

And by ne­glect­ing to wear panties, the 25- year- old strum­pet gave ev­ery­one a good look at her fully, shaved beaver.

One on­looker said: “By ’ eck! I could park my bike in that slot – if I wanted her gloopy fanny bat­ter all over my nice, clean tyres, that is.”

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