HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
ACTOR Ewan McGregor snubs an appearance on ITV dirge Good Morning Britain after learning that professional twat Piers Morgan is the host.
What a disappointment for the millions of fans who wanted to witness this meeting of minds.
Luckily, we can recreate it by watching the scene from Trainspotting in which McGregor crawls into a toilet filled to the brim with human sh* t. FIRMS which tell women to wear high heels should be fined, according to a report by MPs. Quite right too. The idea of telling a woman to wear stilettos just because you pay her is absolutely outrageous. The proper procedure, as all good Tory MPs know, is that a woman in spiked heels tells YOU what to do, and then you pay her. TV host Pip Schofield pledges to get a tattoo to celebrate yet another win for This Morning at the National Television Awards.
What better way to recall a night with the cream of British celebrity than inviting thousands of little pricks to get under your skin?
Piers Morgan tried to grab some attention on stage by wearing a gag but it was Geordie Shore star Marnie Simpson who stole the show by going knickerless beneath a daring lace dress ( right).
Which just goes to prove my old nan was right when she used to say that “c** ts should be seen and not heard”. RORY McGrath, inventor of the comedy- sporting panel quiz show, is given a suspended jail term for stalking his ex.
And if you thought his career was all over... MADONNA denies reports she is considering adopting more children from Malawi – despite officials there claiming that she definitely is.
Surely there’s one easy way to settle this war of words: Madge must release current pictures of her newly decorated house – and then we can see if any new orphans would match the curtains and carpet. ISLAMIC jihadists in Brussels plotted to kidnap celebrities to exchange for the own captured fighters, it is claimed.
Presumably they jibbed that plan on realising that Poirot is fictional and the bloke who wrote Tintin is dead. Still, let’s hope they don’t come over here and capture any of OUR treasured celebs. It’ be awful, for example, if they were to target Good Morning Britain’s studios at the London Television Centre, SE1 9LT, where Piers Morgan normally arrives through the main entrance at approximately 0530 every weekday. ONCE upon a time in Britain, you became famous by writing a hymn, being the first to scale a mountain or inventing penicillin. Today it’s much, much easier… You just flash your TWAT! Geordie Shore babe Marnie Simpson was hailed as the belle of the National Television Awards in Fancy London last week when she arrived in a sheer dress.
And by neglecting to wear panties, the 25- year- old strumpet gave everyone a good look at her fully, shaved beaver.
One onlooker said: “By ’ eck! I could park my bike in that slot – if I wanted her gloopy fanny batter all over my nice, clean tyres, that is.”