HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

SHE DIS­AP­PEARED WITH JOINT SAV­INGS FOR BUL­GAR­IAN BOOB JOB

Sunday Sport - - NEWS - MON­DAY TUES­DAY THURS­DAY WED­NES­DAY FRI­DAY SATUR­DAY By BARNEY SA­MUELS news@ sun­daysport. co. uk

A NORTH Wales man sur­vives leap­ing off the Hoover Dam into the Colorado River on his stag week­end.

Be­neath the sur­face were 17 gi­ant tur­bines – any one of which could have sucked him to his death.

En­joy it while you can, pal. That’s the only way you’ll be get­ting sucked once you get hitched. REAL Madrid foot­baller Marco Asen­sio pulls out of a match af­ter in­jur­ing him­self while shav­ing his legs. Is he Brazil­ian? No, but he’s def­i­nitely a shaved c** t. GE­ORGE Os­borne re­port­edly says he won’t rest un­til Prime Min­is­ter Theresa May – who sacked him as Chan­cel­lor – is “chopped up in bags in my freezer”. His com­ment was crit­i­cised – and rightly so. Why waste freezer space on a woman who is so ob­vi­ously self- chill­ing? NORTH Korean dic­ta­tor Kim Jong- Un fires another nu­clear weapon at Ja­pan just days af­ter be­ing re­vealed as a Manch­ester United fan.

Like his favourite team, he is tar­get­ing the Asian mar­ket.

But, just like United, he lost his Seoul years ago. Boffins dis­cover that men with fat wives are more likely to de­velop fa­tal di­a­betes in later life. Un­less, of course, you’re a chubby chaser who loves a lardy lass. In which case you’ll prob­a­bly die of suf­fo­ca­tion first. IN HAP­PIER TIMES: Colin with Glo­ria and ( right) the boobs that made her take their sav­ings PITY poor Colin Sanderson. Not only has wife Glo­ria left him, she has also taken their life sav­ings from the mar­i­tal joint ac­count.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the con­niv­ing har­lot has spent the £ 10,000 on new tits – mod­elled on gor­geous Kelly Brook’s busters.

Sink­ing a con­sol­ing tum­bler of cider, Colin, 34, sobbed: “The first I knew of it was when I got home on Tues­day night. There was a note on the kitchen ta­ble.

“Glo­ria wrote, ‘ Sorry, I’ve gone to Bul­garia for some new boobs and taken the money from the joint ac­count. PS, I’m leav­ing you.’

“I was gut­ted be­cause Tues­day night is fish fin­gers night. I love fish fin­gers, me.”

Colin, of Wal­sall, West Mids, added: “She’s been go­ing on about want­ing boobs like Kelly Brook for ages but I re­fused to let her take the money. I liked her tits. They were a bit saggy but they were OK.”

Last night Glo­ria, 31, was thought to be still in the Bul­gar­ian cap­i­tal, Sofia, re­cov­er­ing from her surgery.

TECHNO geeks pre­pare to splurge nearly a grand on the new iPhone X, which has fa­cial recog­ni­tion. A thou­sand quid?! For that money I’d want an “X” with fa­cial NONrecog­ni­tion. It’s a spe­cial power which means for­mer girl­friends won’t re­mem­ber you as that bas­tard who gave them a fa­cial then f*** ed off and never called again.

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