HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
SHE DISAPPEARED WITH JOINT SAVINGS FOR BULGARIAN BOOB JOB
A NORTH Wales man survives leaping off the Hoover Dam into the Colorado River on his stag weekend.
Beneath the surface were 17 giant turbines – any one of which could have sucked him to his death.
Enjoy it while you can, pal. That’s the only way you’ll be getting sucked once you get hitched. REAL Madrid footballer Marco Asensio pulls out of a match after injuring himself while shaving his legs. Is he Brazilian? No, but he’s definitely a shaved c** t. GEORGE Osborne reportedly says he won’t rest until Prime Minister Theresa May – who sacked him as Chancellor – is “chopped up in bags in my freezer”. His comment was criticised – and rightly so. Why waste freezer space on a woman who is so obviously self- chilling? NORTH Korean dictator Kim Jong- Un fires another nuclear weapon at Japan just days after being revealed as a Manchester United fan.
Like his favourite team, he is targeting the Asian market.
But, just like United, he lost his Seoul years ago. Boffins discover that men with fat wives are more likely to develop fatal diabetes in later life. Unless, of course, you’re a chubby chaser who loves a lardy lass. In which case you’ll probably die of suffocation first. IN HAPPIER TIMES: Colin with Gloria and ( right) the boobs that made her take their savings PITY poor Colin Sanderson. Not only has wife Gloria left him, she has also taken their life savings from the marital joint account.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the conniving harlot has spent the £ 10,000 on new tits – modelled on gorgeous Kelly Brook’s busters.
Sinking a consoling tumbler of cider, Colin, 34, sobbed: “The first I knew of it was when I got home on Tuesday night. There was a note on the kitchen table.
“Gloria wrote, ‘ Sorry, I’ve gone to Bulgaria for some new boobs and taken the money from the joint account. PS, I’m leaving you.’
“I was gutted because Tuesday night is fish fingers night. I love fish fingers, me.”
Colin, of Walsall, West Mids, added: “She’s been going on about wanting boobs like Kelly Brook for ages but I refused to let her take the money. I liked her tits. They were a bit saggy but they were OK.”
Last night Gloria, 31, was thought to be still in the Bulgarian capital, Sofia, recovering from her surgery.
TECHNO geeks prepare to splurge nearly a grand on the new iPhone X, which has facial recognition. A thousand quid?! For that money I’d want an “X” with facial NONrecognition. It’s a special power which means former girlfriends won’t remember you as that bastard who gave them a facial then f*** ed off and never called again.