TOP TIPS

Sunday Sport - - NEWS -

LIKE Sun­day Sport, Viz Top Tips are a na­tional in­sti­tu­tion. And in this weekly fea­ture, we bring you some of the very best from over the years… FEL­LAS. Don’t waste money on ex­pen­sive porno­graphic mag­a­zines. Sim­ply ask fe­male friends to pose naked whilst you mas­tur­bate. Neil Keenan, email SINCE our daugh­ter out­grew her potty we have used it as an at­trac­tive fruit bowl, a far cheaper al­ter­na­tive to the ex­pen­siv e fruit bowls which you see in the shops nowa­days. J. Moy,

Hull MIN­ISTRY of De­fence sci­en­tists. Make cheap body ar­mour out of sweet­corn. strong If it’s enough to sur­vive com­mute the through my guts, reckon it could I bul­let. prob­a­bly stop a Ed O’Meara, email PETER An­dre. Save money when or­der­ing tai­lored shirts by not or­der­ing the first five but­tons ( or first four but­tons for win­ter shirts). Dan Waite, email FAT, bald­ing blokes in your 50s. Don’t buy Porsche 911s as you may look a bit of a twat when strug­gling to climb out of them at Tesco petrol sta­tions. Nick Bullen, email SPRAY fish and chips with Mr Mus­cle win­dow cleaner. It con­tains vine­gar and will cut through grease, leav­ing your meal more healthy. Bar­tram Laid­law,

Crewe PRE­TEND you are at a rally for en­thu­si­asts of nor­mal, ev­ery­day cars by driv­ing to a su­per­mar­ket car park and sit­ting be­side your ve­hi­cle in a fold­ing chair, talk­ing about it to ev­ery­one who passes. VAC­UUM cleaner man­u­fac­tur­ers. In­stall head­phone ports into your prod­ucts, then only the user will have to put up with the noise. Mal­colm Al­cock,

email R Belfitt, Leeds GUIN­NESS World Record fans. Don’t bother shov­ing Smar­ties un­der your fore­skin as it seems they will not ac­cept this as a world record. Gareth D, Swin­don CHEESE eaters. In­stead of eat­ing a large piece of mild cheese, save time and money by eat­ing a much smaller piece of ex­tra ma­ture cheese. Shenkin Ar­se­can­dle,

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