BOGROLL DEATH SPI­DER BIT ME RIGHT ON THE AR­SE­HOLE

Sunday Sport - - NEWS -

LURK­ING: Toi­let Roll Spi­der RE­LAX­ING on the toi­let with a copy of his wife’s Peo­ple’s Friend mag­a­zine last week­end, all was well in Brian Thomp­son’s world.

Un­til he reached for the toi­let pa­per, where hor­ror was lurk­ing…

For un­known to Brian, sat omi­nously on the soft, triple- ply sheets was Steatoda vul­garis – com­monly known as the Toi­let Roll Spi­der.

Un­der­stand­ably up­set at be­ing dis­turbed from its slum­bers and used to wipe Brian’s shit- streaked bum­hole, the spi­der sank its ven­omous fangs into the 55- year- old’s vul­ner­a­ble nipsy.

Still re­cov­er­ing at his home in Rams­gate, Kent, Brian told Sun­day Sport: “Un­til a spi­der’s bit­ten you right on the ar­se­hole, you have no idea of what pain it.

“It felt like a vol­cano had erupted in my rec­tum and my scream set every dog in the par­ish bark­ing.

“My wife Linda came run­ning up the stairs and found me writhing in agony on the bath­room floor. “She asked, ‘ What’s wrong Brian?’ I replied, ‘ It’s my arse… my poor arse’.

“At that point, I still had no idea it was a spi­der bite.”

In hos­pi­tal, medics dis­cov­ered the tell- tale punc­ture wounds on Brian’s ar­se­hole and ap­plied an an­ti­dote – but not be­fore the area had grossly swelled, leav­ing the semi- re­tired weld­ing con­sul­tant con­sti­pated for three whole days.

He added: “When I did man­age a mo­tion, the agony started all over again.

“From now on, I’ll check the loo roll every time I use it. I’ve learned my les­son.

“I’m just ter­ri­fied one of these spi­ders may bite my dog Jasper on the WRITHING IN AGONY: Brian was sav­aged on his shit­ter dick or some­thing. So now I carry him ev­ery­where with me.”

The Toi­let Roll Spi­der was un­known in Bri­tain un­til 2013 when it was spot­ted in Dover.

The beast, now quite com­mon across Bri­tain, likes to lurk in the mid­dle of toi­let rolls, rel­ish­ing the warm, damp con­di­tions of the bath­room and the smell of hu­man filth.

Re­lated to the False Wi­dow, its bite is ag­o­nis­ing and vic­tims have been known to die of shock or poi­son­ing.

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