Classic gags from Sir Ken’s repertoire

“I haven’t spoken to my mother-inlaw for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”

“Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life – standing in the dark in your trousers all day.” “It’s 10 years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back.”

“The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.”

“You think you can get away, but you can’t. I’ll follow you home and I’ll shout jokes through your letterbox” – when he was still going strong at a show as it approached midnight. “I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.” “Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.”

“It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed” – Addressing people in the Gods at a provincial theatre. “The French didn’t object to British beef in 1940.”

“Honolulu: it’s got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.”

“Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese” – on approaching his 80th birthday.

“Doctor, ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m approaching 50.’ ‘From which direction?”’

“How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.”

Picture: PA. Sir Ken in 2009.