Is it just me…
Who was surprised by the new Top Gear line-up? Not the presenters themselves, who seem promising enough, but their uniform appearance: all of them are crop-haired and stubbly, wearing matching leather jackets, T-shirts and jeans. Isn’t the whole point of having three presenters to get a cross section of male stereotypes? In the old days of Top Gear there was the woolly, slightly rock’n’roll one; the unashamedly unreconstructed, clothesblind one; and the pertish boy band one who wouldn’t say no to a grooming product and a baby sling… Wasn’t that roughly it? This lot all look like stuntmen. Making sure to stock up on sweets so you have plenty to eat while you’re hiding in your wardrobe.
Thinking that if you were having your blood pressure taken when the doorbell rang, you’d break the machine.
Opting for “trick” rather than “treat” and watching a bunch of unprepared children looking at each other with sad confusion.
Having to comfort your kids because some weirdo thought that fruit constituted a “treat”.
Feeling annoyed at the realisation that your pumpkin with “GO AWAY” carved into it is proving somewhat ineffective.
Hoping that you didn’t come off as harsh when you accused a toddler of “not really making enough of an effort” with his costume.
Feeling deep shame when you hear a small voice outside say, “Mummy, why is that lady crawling across the floor?”
Hearing someone say the word “candy” to denote sweets and wondering what the hell’s happened to this country.
Hoping it’s not bad form to leave an open packet of digestive biscuits on your doormat, with a little sign saying “Help yourself ”.
Finally getting through the evening, then immediately gearing yourself up to ignore Guy Fawkes night.
Rob Temple’s latest book, Very British Problems Vol III: Still Awkward, Still Raining (Sphere) is out now. Follow him on Twitter: @SoVeryBritish
TRICK OR TREAT?