What happened next
Sir John Chilcot
July 2016 After a brief panic that he’d forgotten to save the Word document, Sir John Chilcot fnally presses ‘print’ on his seven-year inquiry into the Iraq War. Journalists pore over the report, but it soon becomes apparent that there are only three and a half pages given over to foreign policy analysis, the rest is flled with watercolour illustrations and descriptions of characters and settings, including eight chapters on Tony Blair’s hair alone. ‘What?’ Chilcot mumbles to the assembled media. ‘You wanted thorough.’
February 2017 At the specifc request of Culture Secretary John Whittingdale, the BBC commissions a risky, condensed television adaptation of the Iraq Inquiry, Chilcot: Full Throttle, to take pride of place on Sunday nights. Despite starring Tom Hiddleston as Blair and Olivia Colman as George W Bush, the show suffers from having to run for 92 consecutive weeks, frustrating viewers to the point that record numbers demand the return of their licence fees. Apologising for his error in judgment, a smirking Whittingdale concedes that the people have spoken.
October 2028 Racked with guilt at having fnished off the BBC, the 89-year-old Chilcot atones by writing his autobiography. Released in instalments, it’s long enough to share between all 28 surviving publishing houses and sustain a dying industry. Guy Kelly