The Midults’ guide to...

Mut­ter­ing un­der your breath

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - CONTENTS - themidult.com

Some­times you as­tound your­self (other times you put your phone in the freezer)

AF­FIR­MA­TIONS CAN BE tough go­ing. Chant­ing ‘ the uni­verse will bring me what I need’ while de­ranged with panic is not al­ways… im­me­di­ately help­ful. In­stead, we are try­ing mid-ita­tions.

So here they are. Some small bun­dles of words that make us feel bet­ter, carve new neu­ral path­ways, stave off the name­less dread…

1. ID­IOTS HAP­PEN

You can’t hate every an­noy­ing per­son be­cause you’ll end up tox­i­fy­ing your soul. But you don’t have to love them ei­ther. Id­iots off a duck’s back, ba­si­cally. En­ergy is fi­nite; don’t waste yours.

2. I’VE AL­WAYS GOT A LIT­TLE CRAZY IN MY POCKET

YouY are a rea­son­able, ma­ture and glo­ri­ous woman. You own it. Some­times you as­tound your­self (other times you put your phone in the freezer). But you know and they know that, if cornered, if pushed and nee­dled and pro­voked, you can pull out your se­cret ar­se­nal of crazy. It won’t be pretty. But it might be fun.

3. PEO­PLE DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU, AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO CARE

AreA you a re­cov­er­ing peo­ple-pleaser? Do you have vol­un­teer-itis? Do you spend your life with a clipboard at a fete or swim­ming in the Thames for char­ity or lis­ten­ing to peo­ple moan­ing about some­thing that doesn’t mat­ter at all. Do you know you can say no? No, no, no, no and still no. If they mind, they mind.

4. IT’S WHEN WE AIM LOW THAT WE MISS

YouY don’t re­ally like him but you start dat­ing him b e caus e, what­ever. He s hould b e gr at e f ul . He s hould b e thrilled. He’s a com­fort blan­ket. But then you get fond. And some­how he breaks your heart. That is aim­ing low and miss­ing.

5. DON’T MAKE ME USE MY CHILD PSY­CHOL­O­GIST VOICE

When some­one is be­ing so blood­y­minded, so ob­tuse, that you feel you have only two op­tions. A) Get up, stretch, walk to the door, go to the air­port, never re­turn. B) ‘I am go­ing to slow this right down for you. Yes you were sent to board­ing school at eight / your mother was drunk a lot /you have never re­cov­ered from the dog dy­ing and yes I know it still hurts but…’ All the while re­mem­ber­ing that you still have op­tion A.

6. JUST SHOUT ‘PLOT TWIST’ AND KEEP GO­ING

You’ve spilled soup down your di­rec­tional blouse and you have a pre­sen­ta­tion in 10 min­utes. Or at the farm­ers’ mar­ket you bump into some­one you slept with in the 1990s and you have never looked uglier or mad­der. Or you ar­rive at a job in­ter­view and your thighs make a ter­ri­ble in­hu­man sound as you plonk your­self down on the Mies van der Rohe chair. No mat­ter. Let it gooooooooo…

7. I AM DY­NAMIC. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM EX­HAUSTED

For those days when you have done all the pa­per­work, made the bed, sewn on a but­ton, given a talk, de­liv­ered a re­port, had six fights (three of them in your head) and now you are just go­ing to or­der a De­liv­eroo and eat it in the bath.

8. BURY THEM WITH A SMILE

So to­day is dif­fi­cult, dif­fi­cult, lemon dif­fi­cult. But you are not sour, you are sweet . You are smil­ing. And they weren’t ex­pect­ing that.

9. ON­WARDS AND SIDE­WAYS

Static is no good. Rut is bad. But some­times we go wonky be­fore we soar. Mo­men­tum is the thing, mea­sured mo­men­tum. Un­der­stand­ing that life is made up of many chap­ters and that this will not be the one to de­rail you. That is not an op­tion.

10. HOR­MONES MADE ME DO IT

‘My lady chem­i­cals are, frankly, none of your business and how very dare you even im­ply that I am in any way ruled by hor­mones. Even so, I am not re­spon­si­ble for my ac­tions right now and I de­mand full im­mu­nity from any con­se­quences. It should also go with­out say­ing that con­se­quences are likely to be your fault any­way and – hear me now – it is best for ev­ery­one if you just agree. Also, you de­serve it. Also, cake.’

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