The Midults’ guide to...
Muttering under your breath
Sometimes you astound yourself (other times you put your phone in the freezer)
AFFIRMATIONS CAN BE tough going. Chanting ‘ the universe will bring me what I need’ while deranged with panic is not always… immediately helpful. Instead, we are trying mid-itations.
So here they are. Some small bundles of words that make us feel better, carve new neural pathways, stave off the nameless dread…
1. IDIOTS HAPPEN
You can’t hate every annoying person because you’ll end up toxifying your soul. But you don’t have to love them either. Idiots off a duck’s back, basically. Energy is finite; don’t waste yours.
2. I’VE ALWAYS GOT A LITTLE CRAZY IN MY POCKET
YouY are a reasonable, mature and glorious woman. You own it. Sometimes you astound yourself (other times you put your phone in the freezer). But you know and they know that, if cornered, if pushed and needled and provoked, you can pull out your secret arsenal of crazy. It won’t be pretty. But it might be fun.
3. PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU, AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO CARE
AreA you a recovering people-pleaser? Do you have volunteer-itis? Do you spend your life with a clipboard at a fete or swimming in the Thames for charity or listening to people moaning about something that doesn’t matter at all. Do you know you can say no? No, no, no, no and still no. If they mind, they mind.
4. IT’S WHEN WE AIM LOW THAT WE MISS
YouY don’t really like him but you start dating him b e caus e, whatever. He s hould b e gr at e f ul . He s hould b e thrilled. He’s a comfort blanket. But then you get fond. And somehow he breaks your heart. That is aiming low and missing.
5. DON’T MAKE ME USE MY CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST VOICE
When someone is being so bloodyminded, so obtuse, that you feel you have only two options. A) Get up, stretch, walk to the door, go to the airport, never return. B) ‘I am going to slow this right down for you. Yes you were sent to boarding school at eight / your mother was drunk a lot /you have never recovered from the dog dying and yes I know it still hurts but…’ All the while remembering that you still have option A.
6. JUST SHOUT ‘PLOT TWIST’ AND KEEP GOING
You’ve spilled soup down your directional blouse and you have a presentation in 10 minutes. Or at the farmers’ market you bump into someone you slept with in the 1990s and you have never looked uglier or madder. Or you arrive at a job interview and your thighs make a terrible inhuman sound as you plonk yourself down on the Mies van der Rohe chair. No matter. Let it gooooooooo…
7. I AM DYNAMIC. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM EXHAUSTED
For those days when you have done all the paperwork, made the bed, sewn on a button, given a talk, delivered a report, had six fights (three of them in your head) and now you are just going to order a Deliveroo and eat it in the bath.
8. BURY THEM WITH A SMILE
So today is difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. But you are not sour, you are sweet . You are smiling. And they weren’t expecting that.
9. ONWARDS AND SIDEWAYS
Static is no good. Rut is bad. But sometimes we go wonky before we soar. Momentum is the thing, measured momentum. Understanding that life is made up of many chapters and that this will not be the one to derail you. That is not an option.
10. HORMONES MADE ME DO IT
‘My lady chemicals are, frankly, none of your business and how very dare you even imply that I am in any way ruled by hormones. Even so, I am not responsible for my actions right now and I demand full immunity from any consequences. It should also go without saying that consequences are likely to be your fault anyway and – hear me now – it is best for everyone if you just agree. Also, you deserve it. Also, cake.’