The Midults’ guide to…

Sur­viv­ing the morning rou­tine

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - Contents -

EARLY MORNING IS a re­mark­ably fer­tile time, don’t you find? A fer­tile time for do­ing many, many things not very well, and en­tirely fail­ing to set your­self up for the day in any way. Here are some things ev­ery­one has prob­a­bly done be­fore 8am. Pos­si­bly all at once.

1. Or­dered the gro­ceries on­line – yes, I am dy­namic. I am in­vis­i­ble. Sorry, in­vin­ci­ble.

2. Put a white wash on. Then can­celled it be­cause you left a trail of socks on the stairs. Put it on again. Found a T-shirt in the cor­ri­dor. Howled.

3. Won­dered if it was OK to have a fourth cof­fee.

4. Wrote a list for the shrink: bound­aries, bad back, dead dad.

5. Drank Be­rocca. Can’t af­ford to be ill.

6. Took wom­any vi­ta­mins. Can’t af­ford to be wom­any.

7. Googled ‘house prices’. Got dis­tracted by sex scan­dal. Texted friend about sex scan­dal.

8. De­cided to get new hair­cut.

9. Changed mind about hair­cut.

10. Fifth cof­fee?

11. Dry sham­poo. Head (and most of fore­head) now com­pletely white.

12. Cried a lit­tle.

13. Won­dered about Ri­talin. Could maybe find a teenager to nick it off ?

14. Sat on bed in towel and stared at wall for 10 min­utes.

15. Turned on Ra­dio 4. Lis­tened to To­day for three min­utes. Now fully in­formed and armed for con­ver­sa­tion.

16. Sucked on a Vape till ears bled.

17. Pan­icked about the fact that ev­ery­thing hurts a bit and wor­ried that maybe you are get­ting de­pressed. (Added that to shrink list.)

18. Liked ev­ery post on In­sta­gram so that no one would know you might be de­pressed.

19. Went into bath­room and stared at the chang­ing face of you for what felt like a long, long time.

20. Dis­cussed how much sleep you got with your best friend/work wife/the dog/stranger on the train/the Star­bucks per­son. (You: ‘Think it’s only the fifth cof­fee. I’m fine, ev­ery­thing is fine.’)

21. Thought about check­ing bank bal­ance. Too early for de­press­ing news, though.

22. Tried to find the pa­per bit of driver’s li­cence.

23. Emailed ac­coun­tant about tax re­turn.

24. Googled, ‘What is a pen­sion?’

25. De­bated whether or not to can­cel plans tonight. Des­per­ate to. Whose turn is it to can­cel? Yours or theirs?

26. Stared at phone for a bit.

27. Set up a Whatsapp fam­ily Christ­mas group.

28. Re­gret­ted in­stantly.

29. Shaved legs sit­ting in the bath while lis­ten­ing to five min­utes of a pod­cast about Amer­i­can pol­i­tics. Am so high­brow.

30. Stubbed toe on door frame.

31. Called door frame a bas­tard.

32. Took ibupro­fen for toe/back/ pe­riod/head/knee/soul pain.

33. Googled nat­u­ral anti-anx­i­ety sup­ple­ments.

34. Took vi­ta­min B for… What’s vi­ta­min B for again?

35. Took mind off anx­i­ety by spend­ing five min­utes on Lake­land web­site sali­vat­ing over hang­ers with clips on.

36. Made plan to up­grade hang­ers. Will def do that. Am so go­ing to do that.

37. Stared at wardrobe hop­ing for some­thing stylish and flat­ter­ing to leap out. Only stopped when phone rang.

38. Searched for phone. Where the hell is my…

39. Found phone. An­swered breath­lessly. PPI call.

40. Threw phone.

41. Tried to lo­cate near­est Post Of­fice, for all the old clothes you are go­ing to sell for huge amounts of money.

42. Can­celled plans.

43. Felt cold.

44. Won­dered about whether or not to buy a new dress­ing gown.

45. Checked bank bal­ance.

46. De­cided against dress­ing gown.

Drank Be­rocca. Can’t af­ford to be ill. Took wom­any vi­ta­mins. Can’t af­ford to be wom­any

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