When politics divides the house
Love your family, but not their party? As we go to the polls (again), Radhika Sanghani finds out how to avoid a full-blown fall-out...
After a whirlwind year in politics, from Brexit to Diane Abbott’s last-minute decision to step aside from her frontbench role, the nation is now casting its ballots. As you read this, millions are choosing which party to align with – and which of their relatives and friends they will alienate.
Since last year’s referendum, it feels as if Britain has not stopped talking politics. Where once it wasn’t appropriate dinner-party behaviour to discuss who you were voting for, today it’s hard to get through your starter without a diatribe on “that man who won’t wear a tie”.
Christmas dinners have been ruined by home-coming children blaming their parents for the dawn of Brexit, while families gathered for birthday parties, weddings and christenings have found themselves on opposing sides of lengthy debates with their nearest and dearest about the state of current affairs.
And with politics seemingly becoming more divisive between generations and communities than ever before, Britons, young and old, are quickly finding that passionately arguing a point can lead to broken friendships and seething resentment between loved ones, which can take years to heal.
“We still haven’t recovered from Christmas last year,” says Anna, 28, shaking her head. “My sister and I (we’re both very liberal) found out that our parents voted in favour of Brexit. We don’t normally discuss politics, so we had no idea they felt that way. Let’s just say it all ended in tears, and we have now implemented a ‘no politics at the dinner table’ rule.”
Ramon Menon, a 19-year-old politics student at King’s College London, is also no stranger to such familial arguments. As a young teenager he supported Labour, but, as a die-hard Eurosceptic, he later defected to Ukip, becoming a part of its youth wing: Young Independence. When David Cameron promised a referendum on European Union membership, he dumped Ukip and rejoined Labour.
His stay-at-home mother, however, was a Green Party activist during his time in Ukip (“she was pretty horrified”) and is now planning to vote for the Liberal Democrats. His father is a long-standing Conservative.
“My mum and I often talk politics at dinner,” says Ramon, who lives with his family in Bayswater, west London. “When I joined Ukip, she tried to stop me from going to meetings and party events. We’ve all got different opinions, and I voted Leave while my parents and older sister all voted Remain.”
Political dinner conversations have been particularly lively in the Menon home in the run-up to this election. Ramon is proud that he has managed to persuade his formerly Conservative sister to vote Labour – he prefers Jeremy Corbyn’s Brexit strategy to Theresa May’s hard Brexit and possible “no deal” – but he’s still annoyed at his mum for voting Lib Dem. “It’s such a wasted vote in my area, which has a marginal 1,000 majority for Labour. I know it’s just one vote but it still matters.”
The Menons are by no means the only family trying to avoid a fullblown political fall-out during the next 24 hours. Boris Johnson, the Foreign Secretary, has had to deal with his sister, Rachel, joining the Lib Dems this year and her deeply held Remain views, while the Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow, is married to Sally, a Labour Party member.
This is something that the Gimsons have been battling for 24 years. Sally, 52, is a Labour councillor in Camden, north London, while her husband, Andrew, 59, writes for the Conservative Home news blog and has penned a biography of Boris Johnson.
“We married in 1993, and we’ve
had arguments about politics ever since,” laughs Sally, explaining that things have become far more intense over the past year.
“The Brexit moment was: ‘if he voted out, then he was out of the house’. He swears to me he voted in, so I hope he did. We have quite a lot of rows about Brexit. He thinks that Theresa May’s hard Brexit isn’t disastrous, but I think it is.”
She is, naturally, voting for Labour while Andrew votes for the Tories. Their three children, aged 21, 17 and 15, are also leaning to the Left. “We’re ganging up on him and I’m grooming the children,” jokes Sally, before adding: “Most people feel sorry for him.”
Andrew, however, is not perturbed by his family’s Left-leaning tendencies. “I’m delighted that they don’t just take their opinions from me,” he says. “They’re all capable of thinking for themselves, which is very good. I’m not frightened. I’m not the kind of person who just wants to be surrounded by people who think the same.”
He believes that having a difference of political opinion is something that families and friends should celebrate. “I think it’s a kind of liberty. I enjoy it because, luckily, Sally and I are both interested in politics – and I think it’s boring only to talk to people who agree with you.
“It’s more enjoyable for me than for Sally because in some ways I don’t take politics as seriously as she does. She’s had the courage to stand for office.”
His tips for avoiding conflict are simple – start it and end it. “I usually begin by stating in the most provocative way possible some Tory
‘It’s boring to only talk to people who agree with you’
opinion of mine,” he says. “I end by giving in completely.”
As he did with voting Remain? “I took Sally’s threat [to kick me out] quite seriously,” he replies. “My Conservative friends would say I’m terribly dripping wet. But I think it’s a good thing not to take politics too seriously, and maybe this is easier for Conservatives than socialists.”
Hilda Burke, a couples therapist who has seen a number of clients come to her with opposing beliefs, urges families dealing with clashing viewpoints not to be rash.
“There have been a lot of assumptions made on both sides about labels, from ‘Brexiteers’ to ‘Corbynites’, and people jump to conclusions,” she points out. “But instead of tarring everyone with the same brush, be curious. Ask why someone has joined that party – and listen.”
In her practice, she has seen a rise in people “coming out of the closet” with political opinions in the past year, and noted many of her clients are “nervous” about their loved ones’ voting habits.
“The ones that make it work are those who tolerate the other person’s view. They can respect them for those opinions even if they’re different to their own. When couples or families get into trouble, is where they’re just reacting and making assumptions.”
If all else fails, perhaps families should follow Andrew’s advice and try to diffuse tension with a political joke. “Sometimes it works, sometimes not,” he admits. “But there are other things that matter a great deal more in life, so for God’s sake don’t worry too much if you don’t agree on what someone is saying on